5/06/2006

Townhouse Update!

Today I met the home inspector at my new bachelor pad. He actually found quite a few things wrong...some of them were just nit picky code violations, but others were a bit more serious. Total estimate was around $1500. I could either ask the sellers to do the repairs, or ask for a credit at closing. I plan to do the latter. Then I'll ignore the repairs and spend the extra coin on hookers and crack.

While I was waiting for the inspector dude to do his thing, I took a few pics to share with my fans. So come with me now as we take a little tour. (Click to enlarge the photos, motherfuckers.)


Welcome to Dyckerson's future home! A home which he will probably not be able to afford now that I'm about to become unemployed...



The foyer floor is covered in a lovely ceramic tile, with real authentic fake wood laminate in the hallway/dining area. Note the exsquite detail in the tile where it meets the laminate. Note also the sandals, which belong to Peng, the Asian guy who's selling the place...



The kichen is in the front of the townhouse. Oak cabinets, vinyl floor, laminate countertop. Brand new gas oven. All appliances convey. Just think of all the frozen pizzas and bean burritos I'll be making in there...



The back half of the townhouse is the dining/living area. I don't have much use for a dining room, seeing as I eat my meals on the couch...so I'm thinking of making this into a masturbation room. I plan to take down that metal railing to open up the area a bit. The wall behind it will be the home of my entertainment center. The living area is about 19' x 11'...



Another view of the living /dining area. Note the fireplace behind the column in the center. The sliding glass doors on the right lead to the fenced back yard. The couch will go on the right wall (opposite the entertainment center), giving me a great view of the yard...



And here's the back yard. There's a small toolshed on the right, and behind the toolshed, a Super Dish Network satellite dish was left by the previous owners. I don't know if it works or not, but I intend to find out...



Now we're on the second floor, and here's the master crapper. It has two doors, so you can enter through the hall or master bedroom. Observe the double sink, tile floor, and toilet by the window. That's right, I'll be able to move my bowels and spy on the neighbors at the same time! There's a laundry closet with stackable washer/dryer on the left...



On to the master bedroom. It's quite large (16' x 11'), but it was hard to get it all in the shot. I took this picture from inside the closet. There's new wall to wall carpet in all the bedrooms as well as the livng room...



Most of the rooms are off-white in color, but this bedroom was done in a powder blue. It's about 9' x 9'. This will likely become a second masturbation room...



It's hard to tell, but this bedroom is PINK. I call it the Pepto-Bismol room. But that will be changing SOON, as it will become the executive office of Dyckerson Enterprises. It's a roomy 10' x 10'.





That concludes our tour of my new palatial estate. In lieu of housewarming gifts, a cash donation may be made via PayPal to the Mighty Dyckerson Unemployment Fund. Thank you.


23 comments:

~ stacy ~ said...

Hmmm, have you considered a career change? I'm thinking you'd make a mighty fine realestate agent. You could list "crippled chick" and "chubby chick" as references.

Eh, seriously... hope things work out well for you.

Jodi said...

You have a dishwasher. I'm so envious!

Vag, good luck with your new masterbation palace and the job hunt as well.

Motor City Monk said...

Might I recommend the addition of a hottub in the backyard? Looks like you have a prime space for wild orgiastic hottub parties. And you already have the privacy fence.

A bachelor pad is never complete without a sweet outdoor spa.

Plus, strippers and whores love to do their thing in hottubs. Pure Entertainment.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thanks to all.

Stacy - I actually was a real estate agent for a very short time. But I got fired for pleasuring myself in a client's bed while conducting an open house for them. You might've seen the story on Dateline.

Joni - You should move in with me. Then I'd have TWO dishwashers!

Monk - There's a pool and hot tub in the clubhouse right across the street...and it's possum free.

RevRee said...

Is it possible to get a picture of the inside of the refrigerator?

And maybe another picture of your hands?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

How about a picture of my hands inside the refrigerator?

RevRee said...

Would you really????? HELL YEAH!

Little Lamb said...

I hope all works out for you.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Dateline... mmm nope, didn't catch it. Unless it was that brief segment between Dateline’s unprecedented look at Internet predators and the giggling Angelina Jolie interview?

Yeah, okay, so forget real estate... how about the porno industry? 'Course, I suppose you will have to take that picture of your hands. You know, for your portfolio. ;)

Jodi said...

THREE dishwashers. Two kids and you. I hate doing the dishes. Get on it.

Rev I second the photo. Hands!

east coast producer said...

Why is there a laptop on the stove?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

What is the fascination with my damn hands? Geez!!

ECP, the laptop belonged to the inspector. He was using it to test the burners.

Kelli said...

Third and final motion for the hands!
or we could go back to our previous discussion?
>: )

minwah said...

You must do serious work with those damn hands, man!! I don't wanna see them - I wanna feel them...all over me...in the masturbation room...

Oops, I guess that would blow the purpose of the room, though. You better take that bad boy on yourself...just don't stain the ceiling!

Congrats Dyckerson!! When's the party? With the strippers and whores and hot tub??

tfg said...

I do like the bathroom. You need to get a megaphone, so you can open the window and give your neighbors the play-by-play when you drop a bomb.

Willo Keays said...

I too am wondering about the laptop? What? You can't go a few hours without pestering the vast number of forums you post to?

Motor City Monk said...

I've been looking at the photos of your townhouse and I've come to realize how terribly depressing this townhouse seems. If you're prone to depression you might want to reconsider the move- or at least up your depression meds.

You might also want to add some color to the walls...change the pepto bismal pink to a deep red and that can be your fucking room. The powder blue should be painted dark blue to promote excessive masturbation. Good luck!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Minwah - You said "blow" ... huh huh huh huh huh!

TFG - I actually used to have a megaphone. When I was a TV director, I'd use it to bark orders at my crew...til a camera monkey got pissed and stomped all over it.

Willo - The laptop belonged to the inspector. Pay attention.

Monk - Not as depressing as living in a rat-infested hovel with a possum-infested hot tub.

Chief Scientist said...

I wrote a poem. It mentions hookers and porn. That has to make you feel better.

And congrats on the new hut.

Willo Keays said...

You're asking me to pay attention. I don't even know what day it is - or when I last ate something. Ha! Pay attention!

Chris said...

Where do you park the trailer for when family visits?

By the way, can we get a picture of your hands in the refrigerator wearing Peng's sandals?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mod - A poem? What a frigging sissypants you are.

Chris - Wow. You just blew my mind.

Anonymous said...

Super color scheme, I like it! Good job. Go on.
»