5/22/2006

Screw the Handicrapped

I'm talking about the physically handicrapped here, not the retards. Mother Nature already screwed them big time. How could I be so cold...so heartless...so rude...so un-P.C., you ask??

Next time you're out and about, take a good look around. Look at how much we as a people have had to do to accomodate these stumps. Because of them, I can't even get a decent parking space when I go to Dyck-Mart. The best I can hope for is five or six spaces back...and that's only if I circle the lot for 90 minutes. I mean, I don't mind one or two specially designated spaces. But geez, to look at some of these places, you'd think they were expecting a paraplegic convention to show up at any moment. Note to retail establishments: YOU DON'T NEED 500 HANDICRAPPED SPACES!!!

And it's not just the retail store owners that have to suffer. Think of what all other business owners have to go through to accomodate these burdens on society. Everything from ramps to automatic doors to elevators...all on the slim chance that maybe, just maybe, someday a cripple will want to visit them. What a pain in the fucking ass!! Although I have to say, when I need to take a dump in a public restroom, those handicrapped stalls are a welcome sight...so nice and spacious! And so clean too! Why?? Because NOBODY EVER FUCKING USES THEM! When was the last time you ever saw a wheelchair jockey in one of those places??? That's right, NEVER!!!!

But hey, listen. I'm not here just to rant and rave. Dyckerson is a man of solutions. So here is my proposal. Instead of retrofitting every goddamn building on the planet for the 20 or so wheelchairs in existence, we designate a special area of the world just for these people and make them live there. For example, maybe we rope off a corner of New Orleans. That's a throwaway city now anyway. So we rope off New Orleans, toss all the cripples in there, and build them a giant megaplex equipped with handlebars, extra-wide doorways, and ramps out the yin yang. (Actually, thanks to Katrina, New Orleans is nice and flat now, so you probably wouldn't even need the ramps! God, I'm a frigging genius!) Anyway, they'd be able to do all their eating, sleeping, bathing, and shitting all in one place. Now I ask you, what self-respecting stump wouldn't love that??! They'd get their own little chocolate city, and the rest of us able-bodied folk can live our lives free of the constant headaches they cause us!!! And we could finally replace all those stupid blue and white signs with these....





15 comments:

tfg said...

We should keep the handicapped bathroom stalls. They're the only ones big enough to have any kind of meaningful sex in.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Some people get handicap permits just for having arthritis or something. I have never seen a wheelchair-bound person get out of handicap spot and not even a person with a cane.

RevRee said...

I admit sometimes I park in the new and/or expecting mothers special parking. Am I going to hell?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I do that too, Rev. In fact, I keep a pillow and long wig in my back seat just for the occasion.

Chief Scientist said...

Let's go one step further and get rid of poor people too. This is why I carry the American Express Centurion – the black card. The fee is $2500 per year but, when you flash it around, poor people actually vanish.

Chris said...

The Amex Centurion is like reverse cryptonite baby. You flash that around and you get stronger while everyone else goes weak in the knees.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Could we get back to the topic here? I want to get rid of disabled people!!!

Willo Keays said...

Ummmm .... you are aware that Hubby Hush is currently physically unable to walk. Meaning - we get to use one of those Handicap tags in our car and park in the good spots. That is ... whenever they release him from the hospital.

Wait ... what if they don't let him out of the hospital until he can walk again!? Then we won't get a cool pass to let us park in the good spots!

Damn doctors!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Look Husho, there are nights when I'm so drunk, I can't walk either. But I still park in the regular spots just like everybody else.

Jodi said...

My mother's handicapped. If she reads this, she's going to beat you with her cane.

We always take her car when we go places together, so I get to take advantage of her injury. Yay!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hey, your mom sounds pretty kinky! Count me in!

RainStorm1212 said...

Isn't it amazing how the handicap has to park up front, but manages to shop in the store for hours!

Anonymous said...

Hey Dyck, I'm legally disabled - paranoid schizophrenic, manic depressive, VERY screwy - and one of the many freebies we receive are free hunting licenses. Just another incentive to arm ourselves to the teeth.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thank you, Mr. Cheney.

Anonymous said...

Why don't you just become handicapped? Then you can get all the cool freebies too! It seems in America to be happy you need to be either handicapped or Hispanic.