5/26/2006

My Last Will and Testicle

You know, there comes a time in every man's life when he must plan for the inevitable. No, I don't mean a paternity suit. I'm talking about death. Someday I will depart this Earth, and before I do, I want to be prepared. I've already arranged to have my body stuffed and mounted above the entrance to the Mighty Dyckerson Memorial Library and Whorehouse. But now I have to decide what shit to give to you douchebags. Thus, I give you my will:

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I, Mightonimous J. Dyckerson, being of sound mind and body (shut up), do hereby bequeath the following:

To the Lamb, I leave you my collection of belly button lint. The next time you shear yourself, I hope you'll think of me.

To Husho, I leave you my job. You may report the day after my funeral...assuming the position doesn't get filled internally.

To Joani, I leave you my pubic hair. May it provide you with warmth and comfort in times of trouble.

To Ewink, I leave you my cholesterol medication. From the looks of you, I think you'll be needing it soon.

To Motor City Monk, I leave you my bubble bath. I hope you'll use it the next time you have one of your "man parties" with that gay hot tub of yours.

To Newsbitch, I leave you my blogs. That's right, you get The Mighty Blog and DYCK'D...mainly because I like your template. I was going to leave them to Ewink, but I'm afraid he'd stick a ton of anime crap on here. Besides, I'm planning on outliving him by about 40 years.

To TFG, I leave you my pants. Judging from the holes in your crotches, you seem like you could use them. I trust you can squeeze into a size 30.

To Raino, I leave you a $1.00 coupon from Dunkin' Donuts. The coupon expired in 1984, but then again, so did the donuts.

To Manola Blablablanik, I leave you a banana and a digital camera. I think you know what they're for, babe.

To Moderator the scientist, I leave you my 6th grade science project: The first-ever solar system model to be made out of coathangers and styrofoam balls. Enjoy it, but please be careful with Uranus...it's taken quite a pounding over the years.

To Chris, I leave you the contents of my refrigerator. A word about the cottage cheese in back of the bottom shelf: Don't.

And last but not least, to my darling RevRee, I leave you.....my frozen semen. Use it to carry on the Dyckerson genes. You can take the batter to my buddy Fingers. He'll give you a good rate on the fertilization.

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Well, that's about it. I hope you're all happy with your inheritence. And if you're not, you can kiss my rotting ass.


24 comments:

Chris said...

Dyck, I am honored to be a recipiant of your cottage cheese and all the mighty odors in your refrigerator. In fact, Cash Moderator is working on a science project this very moment requiring stale cheese, pickle juice, and a blonde named Mona. I now can proudly provide the cheese and pickle juice because of your wonderful bequeathment. As usual, Cash is providing the girl. What about the 4 day old pepperoni pizza? Can we have that? Cash tells me that Mona seems to step up her game when pizza is involved. Since you'll be worm food, you won't miss it.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Well what the hell do I get? A clap on the back? A wane, uninterested smile? Talk about gratitude.

(Wait, I have to have been a long time reader to get shit? Ohhh...).

~ Stacy ~ said...

So when's the BiG event, and how many socks does it take to stuff a Mighty Dyck?

RevRee said...

My sweet, darling Dyckerson...I will carry on the good Dyck name in your honor. I will raise our children and tell the the tales of when their father Mighty Dyckerson the 1st was a young man....


So when do I get this semen?

Willo Keays said...

Dyck ..... you've touched me!

no seriously - get your hand off my boobies!

tfg said...

I will preserve your pants with all the dignity that they command. This is particularly true of the crotchless lederhosen.

Manola Blablablanik said...

I will hold seances so you can see what I've done with the banana!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thank you all for this outpouring of support. But I almost forgot about my one million dollar life insurance policy! It's in one of 26 numbered cases...

Kelli said...

All the written berating i throw your way and your not even leaving me your crossword puzzle collection?
bastard.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stench, see if you can fill in this crossword:

K_SS M_ A_S!!!

Little Lamb said...

Belly button lint, huh?

The Newsbitch said...

I get the blogs? Sweet!

Chief Scientist said...

I'm a little misty. No one ever left me internet stuff in their cyber will before. As usual, Chris beat me to the good jokes already. Prick.

minwah said...

And here I didn't get a fucking thing. Nice, Dyck, very nice. A regular commenter on your blog, and nothing but these little bastard twins you impregnated me with! I'm throwing all of us off a balcony, just for that you asshole...........

Beth said...

Can I have your balls so I can bronze them and set them next to my baby shoes on the entertainment center?

The Newsbitch said...

But...what ABOUT your rotting ass? Could I have that as well, or would I be pushing my luck?

I likes me some necrophilia, see.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don't be a gold digger, Minwah! You haven't posted here since Clinton was in office.

Beth, you can have my balls...but you'll have to get them from my ex-wife.

NB, sorry. I'm leaving my asshole to science.

minwah said...

Untrue Dyck - you better go back and look at your responses.....

However, I suppose gold digging doesn't suit me very well. I's much rather have you while you were alive......

Tripe Face said...

Well FUCK YOU DYCK!

I supported about half-a-dozen Bring Back Mighty Dyckerson campaigns on Medialine.

I even laughed at one of your jokes, once.

Do I get anything? Hell no.

I hope you live a very long unhappy life.


Tripe

Jodi said...

Awwwwww. I'll paste it back on the bald vajayjay, so I can always remember you.

Kisses, hugs, love ya, mean it.

ECP said...

what the FUCK about me, your trusty moderator and author of countless BBMD images before I got a job?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Tripe & ECP - Yeah, but what have you done for me lately?

Tripe Face said...

Like I WANT any of your cheap ass Big-Lots crap anyway.

I've got better taste than that.

Tripe

Anonymous said...

Very pretty design! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
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