Job Search: Part One

On Tuesday I had two job interviews. I purposely scheduled them fairly close together so I'd only have to put on my classy powder blue suit once.

The first interview was a fucking pain in the ass. When I get there, I realize their office is in the same damn building complex as the company that fired me three years ago. It was my first programming gig, and it only lasted three months. It was actually for the best, because I hated that job anyway. But I'd never been fired before, I have been permanently scarred as a result. They weren't emotional scars...these were actual scars from the fight I had with the fatass bastard who fired me.

Because of this, I was already having bad vibes about this other place. But I went through with the interview anyway, since I was already wearing the powder blue suit that I look so good in. As I walked in the lobby, I was greeted by stacks of boxes. Boxes everywhere. (What the fuck, did these people just move in??) So I navigated through the cardboard maze and found my way to the receptionist's area. I said to her, "Hi bitch, I'm here about the fucking job." (They like it when you show aggressiveness.) I waited while she rang the guy's phone. A few minutes later, the he came into the lobby...from the OUTSIDE DOOR! The same door I came in through! A bit puzzled, I extended my arm for a handshake, he extended his, and then I yanked mine away. (I love that old gag!)

He then led me OUTSIDE the building, down a flight of steps, and BACK INTO the same fucking building. I said to the guy, "Nice building. Who was your architect? Andy Warhol?!" So he took me in his office, where he informed me I would be interviewed by not one...not two...but THREE SEPARATE pinheads. "Great," I said. "Let the games begin."

Pinhead #1 was by far the worst. In addition to quizzing me on my programming knowledge, he also bombarded me with all the standard bullshit interview questions...

Pinhead: What are your strengths?
Dyckerson: Oh, I can bench press about 200 pounds.
Pinhead: What are your weaknesses?
Dyckerson: My main weakness is 16-year-old private school girls in plaid skirts.
Pinhead: What do you like about your current job?
Dyckerson: The free donuts on Fridays.
Pinhead: What do you dislike about your current job?
Dyckerson: The fact that they're firing everybody.

This went on for over 20 minutes. Then came Pinhead #2. This piece of work was wearing jeans and an untucked t-shirt. "Gee, thanks for dressing up," I told him. He was pretty cool though. He just asked me some softball questions like "What's up?" and "What time is it?"

Another 20 minutes ticked by, and I was on to the third and final pinhead. Pinhead #3 didn't really interview me per se. I just made me listen to him run his mouth for 30 minutes. Apparently the jackass likes to hear himself yammer. He talked about the history of the company. He talked about their philosophy. I'm sure he talked about a lot of other shit, but I wouldn't know, because I was asleep.

Finally, after almost 90 minutes of excrutiating torture, I was released by the pinhead triumvirate with barely enough time to get to my second interview across town. So I fired up the DyckMobile and sped like a mofo.

The second interview was much easier. This was actually a tech recruiting firm that matches up computer geeks with companies that need them. I was only interviewed by one pinhead...in fact, he was the only guy in the whole fucking building. Probably not a good sign. Anyway, he asked me a few basic questions, plus one I didn't really understand...

Pinhead: So Dyckerson, do you really want to work in data warehousing?
Dyckerson: Yeah, sure.
Pinhead: I mean, do you really, really want to work in data warehousing? Because this company only wants people who are really passionate about data warehousing.
Dyckerson: Sir, it is my lifelong dream to work in data warehousing. I remember when I was a kid, all the other kids would be outside playing and laughing...but not me! Instead, I spent all my spare time alone in my room warehousing data.
Pinhead: You have no idea what data warehousing is, do you?
Dyckerson: No, I don't.

So as you can see, things went pretty well. The interview was pretty much over, but by this time I was really needing to take a wicked shit. He allowed me to utilize his facilities, but in my haste to get the fuck out of there, I think I forgot to flush. Who knows, maybe he won't notice.

Keep your fingers crossed, kids!


Anonymous said...

What's the ONE questions I told you to ask?! AND you didn't ask it!!!!



Chris Wilson said...

Could be worse. You could be at the Food Court in the mall, across from Dim Sum Chump, interviewing at Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick.

Chief Scientist said...

Not only do I make people run a multi-person interview gauntlet, I surprise them two days before with the knowledge that they have to give a technical presentation for the whole company.

So you're not the only dyck out there.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Chris - Actually Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick sounds pretty damn good to me. Where do I sign up?

Mod - That's just fucking evil. What happened to the good ole days when you could get a job just by lying on your resume and sleeping with the boss?

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

Sounds like you aced both of 'em!


Enjoy the unemployment line while you're at it.

tfg said...

Have you ever considered the field of Data Whorehousing?

Anonymous said...


you have made me completely nostalgic for the days when, I too, was once a young boy with hope and a dream to one day become part of that enchanted world of warehousing data. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

LOL, tfg!

I do hope you're able to find employment soon, Dyck. Or just take the entire summer off.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TGF - Data Whorehousing...now there's a job I could wrap my legs around. Could be promising!

Andy - Never give up the dream, my friend. Never give up the dream.

Rain - Thanks. Perhaps a career in law enforcement is what I need. How soon would I be able to get a gun?

Anonymous said...

Uh, Dyck with a gun? Umm, no. LOL

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