Fuck Richmond

I have finally come to the conclusion that local TV news is dead. The stations here in Richmond have finally crossed the line from the merely obsurd to the outright pathetic. Tonight I came home after a long, grueling week at the office.* I poured myself a tall glass of milk, pried open a can of Vienna sausages, and fired up the idiot box hoping to catch the day's local headlines. Folks, let me tell you, the news was big. So big, in fact, that the lead story took up the entire first segment of the fucking newscast. No, it wasn't a mass murder. No three-alarm blaze at the local deaf & dumb school. No ten car pile-up on the interstate. Then what on earth could it be, you ask???

You better sit down for this. On second thought, you might want to stand. Actually, a squatting position may be more appropriate, because you'll most likely want to shit yourself when you read the news. Here it is. Elliott Yamin, finalist in the current season of American Idol, is making an appearance in his native Richmond for no particular reason. That's right, Pedro. You heard me. This is the story that led the 6 o'clock news.

What, you don't believe me??! Well read about it for yourself here. And here. And here. And here. Had enough? Well the people of Richmond haven't. In fact, these morons showed up in droves to worship and drool all over this fucking fruitcake. Women threw themselves at him, begging for autographs and holding cardboard signs that look like they were made by a six-year-old. Honestly, I haven't seen such a display since the great iBook Stampede of '05. I have but one simple question to ask you......


I swear to God, I just don't get it. I'm proud to say I've never watched American Idol. I've never watched it and I never will. I don't care if Paula Abdul shaved her head, shoved a banana in her twat, and sang "Mammy" live on the show ... I still wouldn't watch it. But there's one thing I know for sure: No matter what the outcome of this bullshit talent show may be, this guy's career will be over faster than you can say William Hung.

So the local TV stations all took turns interviewing Elliott Yamin, asking such deep philosophical questions as, "What's it like being a finalist?" and "What's it like being back in Richmond?" Then they all took turns interviewing the fans, asking such deep philosophical questions as "What's it like seeing Elliott Yamin in person?" and "Do you think he's going to win?" Nobody asks them the questions I want to ask. How about "What's it like being a fucking loser?" or "Why don't you get a goddamn job?"

At this point, I was so fucking pissed, I was ready to throw the TV out the window. But then I remembered how much I paid for it, so I simply kicked the cat instead.** Then I drank up the liquid from the Vienna sausage can, laid back on the sofa, and waited for the actual news to begin. I mean, surely there will be some murder and mayhem in the second segment, right?? Well guess again, Federico.

Segment two was a live shot. Normally, this is where they take a reporter, stand him in front of a scene where nothing is happening, and have him talk about something newsworthy that did happen there earlier in the day. But that's not what this was. This was a fucking commercial.

Seems a local hospital (who just happens to advertise heavily on local media) was holding a screening ... you know, like a cholesterol screening or something like that. They were inviting people to come down and get tested and oh by the way check out our new gazillion-dollar state-of-the-art birthing center. Wow. How very fucking noble of them.

Then came the interview, which was entirely scripted. The reporter (who is nothing but a whore for the station's sales dept.) started asking the hospital's P.R. robot a series of questions that served no purpose other than to promote their damn hospital. And it was so obviously scripted that the P.R. robot actually started answering some of the reporter's questions before he was done asking them...

Reporter Whore: Wow, what an exciting event. Tell me more.
P.R. Robot: Yes I am standing in front of the new gazillion-dollar birthing center here at Bon Secours hospital downtown at the corner of 5th and Placenta Avenue we are very excited about this cancer screening back to you.
Reporter Whore: Great. When can people...
P.R. Robot: We are here all evening from 4 to 7 at the new gazillion-dollar birthing center here at Bon Secours hospital at the corner of 5th and Placenta Avenue there is free parking and a shuttle bus please tell your viewers to come on down and see us back to you.
Reporter Whore: I...
P.R. Robot: That is an excellent question the new gazillion-dollar birthing center offers a wide range of pre- and post-natal services we provide our patients with the best care in the entire galaxy please tell your viewers to call the number on your screen for a free consultation back to you.
Reporter Whore: You know, I went to journalism school for this shit.
P.R. Robot: Uh, that's not in my script. What page are you on?

The interview went on further, but I was too busy kicking the hell out of the cat*** to pay attention to it. I mean, how fucking stupid do these people think we are? Do they actually think Richmonders would flock to some artifically manufactured "event" just to.....

Never mind.

* Okay, I didn't do a fucking thing at the office this week. But that's beside the point.
**I don't really own a cat.
***I still don't really own a cat.


RevRee said...

Go fuck yourself, Richmond

tfg said...

I've always felt that Richmond wasn't worthy of a lick of my ass. However, there are lots of jobs up the road in Baltimore, if you can stomach the housing prices.

Cash said...

I haven't actually seen American Idol so I don't know who that guy is. Now, if Jaime Pressly posed nude in her hometown ... or Tatyana Simanava tripped and broke her spleen most anywhere ... that would be news.

And I like that more people are adapting footnotes in their blogs. It really fleshes things out.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Baltimore? Umm, no thanks. I'd rather cut off my own nut sack with a plastic butterknife.

Who is this Jaime Pressly chick, and why does she spell her name so oddly?

Motor City Monk said...

I'm not gay but I actually like Elliot more than that skankfuck Jaime Pressly. She thinks she's hotshit now cuz she's on some stupid ass show about Earle.

Even though I would fuck Cat* hard, I think Elliot's more deserving and more talented than her.

*Cat is Catherine McPhee - the chick that's favored to win American Idol.

Spill The Beans said...

You think it's bad there? Try living in Tallahassee. Our news broadcasters are so bottom rung of the news industry totem pole that they all still have fake tans and 80s hair.

They're the little news girls that couldn't.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I did a Google image search for Jaime Pressly and got to see her boobies. I like the boobies. Boobies are nice.

Chris said...

Vienna sausages, milk and excess stomach acid. The neighbors are going to think there's a busted sewer main somewhere in the area.

In LA we start almost all news broadcasts with car chases in progress. Its like an episode of COPS but without the nice intro music.

andy said...

Amen, dude. My wife and I spent 45 minutes watching the lame-ass FOX news the other damn nite, just to see about a murder that happened in our city. Instead, we got to hear about how shocking it was that KELLIE PICKLER SANG THE DAMN NATIONAL ANTHEM WITHOUT IDOL PERMISSION! Holy Shit! I'm kicking your cat thinking about it.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I can see a FOX station carrying on about this shit, but why the big three? What's in it for them?? If you're going to blatantly and shamelessly cross-promote a show, at least make it one on your own damn network.

JoinUsForCake said...

I agree! Enough is fucking enough of Elliott the Singing Douche! Game over! Now go make a crappy CD of songs tailored to your vocal telents by some 64-year old Hollywood producer, cash in, and go the fuck away.

minwah said...

If they'd have waited a couple of days, they could have asked his wolfman looking ass what it felt like to be back in Richmond after getting voted off Idol. Now that's a fucking story...tears and all!! LOLOL!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

This just in: Richmond has been renamed Elliotland.