Dyck for Hire

I've been struggling with a personal problem that's been eating away at me for days. No, my underwear isn't stuck in my ass crack again. This is something far more serious. You see, the reality of my impending unemployment is beginning to set in, and I'm wondering if it's time for another career change.

If you've been keeping score at home, you'd know that I'm already on career #3. Career #1 was in broadcasting. This was my first love. (Well, second love, if you count my affair with Alyssa Milano.) I was what they call a "Master Control Supervisor" for much of that time...then I moved into production, where I became what they call a "TV Director." I actually held many positions in my 12+ years in television, and I was damn good at all of them. Problem was, all the jobs paid crap. I was tired of being told how frigging talented I was, only to then be told they can't afford to give me a raise.

Career #2 almost doesn't count as a career, because I never did it full-time. While still working in TV, I scraped together a few bucks and took me one of them real estate agent classes. I went for six weeks, took a stupid test, and got a license to sell houses. That's when everything went downhill. I printed up business cards, passed out flyers, and mailed out retarded little refrigerator-magnet-calendars around Christmas time. Nothing happened. I never could figure that out, because I had such a catchy slogan: "Thinking of moving?? Get a Dyck!!!" Anyway, after a year, I decided to cut my losses and try something else.

Career #3 is my latest, and so far has been the most lucrative. Computer programming seemed like a perfect fit for me. I'd stay quietly tucked away in a climate controlled office all day, not having to deal with jackass managers or idiot customers. And in reality, it ain't all that bad. No overtime, low stress, decent coin. But I'm not particularly good at it. I guess that's because I hate it. I work with an ancient programming language that nobody else uses, trying to fix ancient, poorly-written code that nobody else understands. I swear, some days it makes me physically ill just to look at that shit.

What I need is a career that will showcase Dyckerson's true talents. A career that will require little effort on my part, yet reward me handsomely. A career where I answer to no one but myself. So I am turning to all of you, my loyal fans: Find me a motherfucking job! And hurry the hell up - it's almost time for my nap.


Anonymous said...

AND - keep in mind Dyck's new job will require a personal assisant. i'll be ready to return to work byt the end of the summer.

Move it people! Find us jobs!

tfg said...

I am on my third career, too and I'm thinking about making another change. Ironically, high level programming (VC++) is what I've wanted to do for a long time, but with all the programming jobs going to India, I wouldn't touch it now with a pole.

You seem fairly adept with CSS and HTML. Have you thought about web design?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sorry, Willo. The personal assistant job has been filled internally.

TFG - Yeah, I've thought about web design. Seems like the bigger bucks are application and database design. There are lots of jobs, but they're all short-term/contract gigs. I'd prefer being a corporate slut at this point.

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

I practiced law for nearly 14 years when I decided it was time for a change. Now I just find other people jobs and work out of my home with no supervisor or boss (aside from myself) and the coin is better than practicing law. No fucking commute, working in my underwear when necessary - now that's a job.

And sorry Dyck, I can't find you a job...unless you're looking to get into the recruiting/headhunting business - then I might be able to steer ya in the right direction.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Actually, I work in my underwear all the time. It really creeps out my co-workers though.

Now teach me about the exciting world of recruiting. I want to get me some head!

Chief Scientist said...

You like to write. I am told ransom notes pay the best.

Anonymous said...

If you wanna move to Wisconsin - I have a floor crew opening at $6.00/hour for 1o hours a week.

Jodi said...

McDonald's is always hiring and I hear they have great benefits. Just think of the women you could hit on while employed there...

Side note: You better hurry up and get a job, we're not moving in until you do. I don't wash dishes AND play the role of sugar mama. Giddy up.

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

First you need an area of expertise or be able to fake it. Sounds like you might be able to recruit for companies looking to hire computer tech people.

You're good at sales, right? I mean aside from your failed attempt at selling stupid houses.

Now you need to find a recruiting firm interested in hiring and training new recruiting account exec's. Where abouts do you live - I might be able to give you a few ideas as to where to start looking for recruiting opportunities.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Am I good at sales? AM I GOOD AT SALES?? Sir, I'll have you know, I could sell a life preserver to a drowning man!!!

I'm in Richmond, Va. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a tech recruiting company around here. I've already talked to two this week about potential contract-to-hire jobs. As you said, they seem to know just enough about programming to be able to "fake it"...but not enough to know I'm a total fraud.

Now give me the 411!

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

It's your lucky day. Robert Half International has an office in Richmond West. They have a division called Robert Half Technology (I started at Robert Half Legal). You could be an Information Technology Consultant - a fuckin' Account Executive!


Richmond West
4951 Lake Brook Dr
Northshore Commons A Suite 250
Glen Allen, VA 23060
Phone: 804.747.9500
Fax: 804.290.0461
Email: richmond.west@roberthalftechnology.com

This company is really good at training but not a great longterm employer. Do a year or so at Robert Half then you can earn more money with the company I work for as a Virtual Search Consultant, working out of your home. More freedom and bigger bucks. Good luck!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Cool, I've heard of them. I might give them a call. So do these recruiters work strictly off of commissions? Would this be all inside sales, or would I be expected to go out and *gasp* talk to people? And when would I get my own hot tub??

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

They usually bring in their new account exec's with a decent base salary plus commissions which is determined by your placements. You can usually start making placements after a few months. They provide a lot of support for training and marketing leads. If you can deal with the corporate bullshit for a year and learn the headhunting business then you'll be entitled to a deluxe hottub.

A lot of the marketing is cold calling - have you ever done any of that kind of sales?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Cold calling? No, but I've hung up on a lot of Avon ladies. Does that count?

Thanks for the info. When I get the hot tub, I'll invite you over. In the meantime, I'll have to splash around in my plastic kiddie pool.

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

It's basically calling into companies that might benefit from your expertise as an IT Recruiting Specialist, seeking a job order for a particular type of candidate.

The headhunting business is actually a lot of fun plus it sure beats actually performing the job you're seeking candidates for.

Plus you get the benefit of being able to call yourself a headhunter.

RevRee said...

Don't forget you have me & Dyck Jr to support...so this job had better be a good one!

Jay said...

Hand model? Assassin? Fluffer?

Paul Huebl Crimefile News said...

Dyck your a dope! You have a natural gift for comedy and you need to exploit it while you're still young enogh to do so.

Write yourself a six minute routine and take it to some comedy/improve clubs.

When it works get it on digital tape with the audience laughing and throwing stuff at you. Tell the women to throw their undeies instrad of tomatos.

Then you send the tape to GershcomedyLA for review. If they pick you up you'll be one rich member of the Sonova Beach Club.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Wow, I can see it now! Traveling from town to town...living out of a suitcase...performing in two-bit bars and colleges. Soon I'll star in my own sitcom and date leggy supermodels! Hollywood here I come!

BTW, can I borrow a few bucks for gas money?

Anonymous said...

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