Add Me to the List of Unemployed Bloggers!

Here's a little taste of what a shit festival my life has become.

Some of you may recall that I was planning to move out of my condo due to ongoing issues with my upstairs asshole neighbors. You know, the ones that stomp on the floor, slam their doors, and have sex on their squeaky bed at all hours of the day and night. My plan was to sell the condo, and then use the proceeds as a down payment on a townhouse. At one point I had a purchase offer on my place from a handicapped woman I call "crippled chick." With this contract in hand, I went ahead and made an offer on a townhouse. The offer was accepted. Then crippled chick couldn't get out of her lease, so we had to cancel that deal. And since I can't buy anything without selling my place first, I cancelled the deal on the townhouse. So at that point, I was starting over from scratch. Confused yet?? Wait, there's more!

A week later (last week), I got a new purchase offer from an overweight woman I call "chubby chick." With this contract in hand, I went ahead and made an offer on a different townhouse. The offer was accepted. Sounds like everything is working out, right? Wrong!!!

At work earlier this week, we were all informed via email that a bunch of suits from the corporate office were coming to town for a big whoop-de-doo. These are the same people who, a year ago, told us we were doing a fantastic job and had nothing to worry about. But in reality, we never really hear from them unless they are:

(a) firing a manager,
(b) fucking with our benefits, or
(c) rearranging the organizational chart.

So I held my breath and waited. After all, how bad could it be? Well, on a scale of 3 to 17, 9 being the worst...this would be at least a 32.78. That's right, the weasels informed us that they were closing this office at the end of the year.

Of course, they went on about how this was a difficult decision...blah, blah, blah. They value our work...blah, blah, blah. They are here for us if we need them...blah, blah, blah. Then everyone was given a sealed envelope with a severance package and an end date inside. Everybody got a different offer, depending on their position, length of service, etc. Turns out my last date here will be September 30, and I'll get an extra month's pay. Should I find another job before then, I can leave early and still get the severance. Could be worse, I guess. We have also been encouraged to apply for other jobs within the company, but that would mean relocation. And since I'm now committed to moving, that's not really an option.

Bottom line: I have four months to find another job, or I'll be eating cat food. But at least I'll be eating it in a nice, soundproofed townhouse.

Speaking of the townhouse...I'm doing the inspection tomorrow afternoon, and I'm planning on taking along the Mighty Blog camera to document the occasion. So check back for photos! And then check eBay, because I'll probably be selling my camera to pay the inspector.


Little Lamb said...

At least they let you know in advance, not the week before something may happen.

Willo Keays said...

Dyck - it has been my experience during Job Interviews to ask this all important question:

"Is there an internal candidate interviewing for this position."

Chief Scientist said...

Dyck, someone with your outstanding qualifications could easily find employment in either the food service or housekeeping industries.

RevRee said...

I have a job for you...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Husho, I knew that was coming. Thanks for the tip.

Mod, bite my ass.

tfg said...

Some of my wetter dreams involve being in your situation. This is your ticket to the Summer of Dyck.

Take an under the table job in September and collect unemployment for 6 months.

ewink said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ewink said...

Dyck, for your birthday I'll buy you a gift certficate for this place.

And don't worry about finding a new job, I hear Virgina is Silcon Valley East.

Anonymous said...

Dyck, there's symmetry in the universe after all.

With all the grief you've give Hush over the months you just KNOW she's gonna ride your ass until you both have gainful employment.

Good luck on the job search.

Tripe Face

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Tripe, if it takes me as long to find a job as it has for Husho, I'll slit my wrists.

minwah said...

That's fucked dude, sorry to hear it. But - maybe you'll like your new gig even better, when you find it. Until then, party like it's 1999 - but remember, most places drug test.


Beth said...

Cat food really isn't all that bad. A can of Fancy Feast on a piece of stale, fish shaped dry food beats KFC any day. Sorry about the loss- I've been looking for work for a year now. If that gives you any hope. At least you can relocate.

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