4/25/2006

A Message to Pharmaceutical Companies

If you can make a pill that can give a 90-year-old man a hardon, why can't you make a pill to take the place of sleep? I'm not talking about No-Doze and the like - those only provide temporary relief. I'm talking about a one-a-day type pill that completely replenishes the body and eliminates the need for sleep.

Think about it. We spend a third of our lives sleeping. Assuming you live to be 100, that's 33.3333 etc. years. Actually, let's assume you live to be 99. That makes it come out to a nice, even 33 years. And frankly, you'll probably never miss that extra year. I mean, chances are, you'll be a vegetable at that point.

Getting back to the topic at hand. A sleep replacement pill would be a like a license to print money. Think about how much better our lives would be if we didn't waste a third of it in the sack. Here are just a few examples...

  • You could work a second job and double your income. You could be a brain surgeon during the day...but then for a little variety, you could be a proctologist at night. Or vice versa.
  • You could take up some extra hobbies...like golf, tennis, sailing, fishing, ballroom dancing, piano, guitar, clarinet, stamp collecting, knitting, painting, and whitewater buttfucking.
  • You'd have two extra meals a day. We'd introduce brunch as a permanent meal at lunchtime. Lunch would remain, but would be eaten at dinnertime. Dinner would then shift to around midnight, followed by a 4am meal that I call "splunk."
  • You'd save a fortune on mattresses, bed linens, pillows, pajamas, night gowns, Breathe-Right strips, sleeping pills, and alarm clocks. If either one of your jobs is in any of these industries, you're fucked.
  • The band R.E.M. would have to change its name. But they haven't had a hit in 20 years, so who'd notice?
  • You'd have twice as much time to worship me and study my teachings. I'd have twice as much time to brainwash all of you.
  • You'll no longer be able to say you're "sleeping with" so-and-so as a euphemism for having sex. Instead, it'll be something like this: "Honey, I have something to tell you. I've been sitting with your sister."
  • The hotel industry would collapse. When travelling by car, keep your luggage in the trunk. When travelling by plane, rent a locker at the airport. Bathing will be difficult at first, but gas stations would soon respond by adding shower stalls to their restrooms and charging $3.00 per minute.
  • Light bulbs would have to be replaced with far greater frequency.
  • Lambo's posts would still make no sense. (I mean, some things never change. Am I right people??)

And that's just a tip of the iceburg lettuce. Surely there are billions of other benefits from not having to sleep. So come on, Pfizer! Get with it, Merck! Give us a drug we can really use!


10 comments:

RevRee said...

Did you know that narcolepsy happens every fiv....

Motor City Monk said...

Next time you might want to try not phoning it in.

This is no better than 90% of the email spam I delete daily.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Shouldn't you be planning your next gay hot tub party?

Motor City Monk said...

Why, you want an invite?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

No thanks. Too many rotting animal corpses for my taste.

Little Lamb said...

:-(

east coast producer said...

There's a drug called Provigil (modafinil) that does this. Using the drug, you need a few hours a sleep every several days. It's been distributed to soldiers by the Pentagon for testing, and also available to you by prescription.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Damn, that was fast! The drug company execs must read my blog.

tfg said...

If we do away with sleep, what are guys supposed to do after sex? Cuddle? You need to think these things through, Dyck.

minwah said...

If we do away with sleep, what are guys supposed to do after sex? Cuddle? You need to think these things through, Dyck.

You asswipes could just get up and leave, ya know. None of us really want to cuddle anyways. It's just our way of nudging you into the wet spot. If you're even good enough in bed to MAKE a wet spot.