Katie Gives NBC The Finger

So everybody in the media is going apeshit over Katie Couric going to CBS. She'll be anchoring the CBS Evening News and contributing to 60 Minutes. The message boards are teeming with self-proclaimed experts predicting what the outcome of this will be. Everybody seems so fucking sure they know what's going to happen. Some say it'll be a huge ratings boost for the eyeball network. Others say it's career suicide for Katie and her oft-televised colon. Well guess what. NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN, so why don't you just SHUT THE HELL UP??!!

It's like my dear beloved Grandma Dyckerson used to say: Opinions are like assholes. You shouldn't stick anything in them unless you're sure you can get it back out. (Grandma Dyckerson was a little odd.) Besides, who gives a damn what happens to that irritating old cunt? She stopped being watchable in 1994.

I'm more interested in her Today Show replacement, Meredith Vieira. How the fuck does a game show host get a job co-hosting a morning news program? I can just see her interviewing some distraught mother whose daughter has just been killed by a drunk driver:

Meredith: "So how does it feel to have lost your daughter so tragically?"
Distraught Mother: "Oh, it's unbearable. Every day is a constant struggle."
Meredith: "Is that your final answer?"

I mean, what's next? The NBC Nightly News with Wink Martindale?

Hey, here's an idea. Dump Matt Lauer and replace him with Geraldo. Then you'd have Vieira and Rivera!


Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Yeah, that's pretty worrying:

Meredith: So what did your father die of?

Distraught daughter(sobbing): Cancer. It was cancer.

Meredith: You've said todays prize bonus word!! Congratulations! Here's two free tickets to Disneyland!!!!!

Motor City Monk said...

Is Meredith hot? That'd be the only reason I'd toon in to the stupid and irritating Today Show.

Plus, Matt Lauer is a fucking cocktoaster.

Bea said...


Mighty Dyckerson said...

Is Meredith hot???

Only if you're into post-menopausal chicks with facial hair. I'd rather do Natalie Morales.

And what the hell is a cocktoaster?

Motor City Monk said...

Cocktoaster is a difficult word to define...kinda like "obscenity" - you know it when you see it.

With that being said here's a list of people who are "cocktoasters":

1) Jay Leno, king of all cocktoasters
2) Mel Gibson
3) George Bush II
4) Jack Johnson
5) Tom Cruise
6) Scott Stapp, former lead singer of Creed
7) K-Fed
8) Ashton Kutcher, probably one of the biggest cocktoasers ever

BTW, I didn't coin the term but I know the person who did.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thanks for the clarification. I was thinking a cocktoaster was some sort of fancy kitchen appliance.

Now what's the difference between a cocktoaster and a cocksucker? And are either of them related to cockteasers?

Spill The Beans said...

Actually, my boyfriend just blogged about the issue your grandma referenced the other day...


Motor City Monk said...

While a cocktoaster is usually "male", a cocksucker can be either male or female. A cocktoaster is a complete douchefuck - a cocksucker is sometimes enjoyable to be around, especially if they're experienced at cocksucking.

A cockteaser could be related to both but usually not.

tfg said...

How the fuck does a game show host get a job co-hosting a morning news program?

What's the difference? It's just some brainless piece of eyecandy reading someone else's words. How hard can that be?

Chief Scientist said...

I could look at Natalie Morales every day for the rest of my life but the smart choice was Campbell Brown. I don't know who is dumber - CBS for hiring Katie or NBC for bringing on someone even older.

P.S. The new template rocks. I haven't changed mine since pretty much 2002, but I am old school.

~ Stacy ~ said...


I think I'm falling in love. ;)

Oh wait! I'm happily married. :P

My hubby has a different version to Grandma Dyckerson's saying: "Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and they all stink."

btw... I was so totally with you on the fancy kitchen appliance thing. Although, I figured it would be a rather sadomasochistic purchase. Eh, to each his own.