4/19/2006

It's Fun to Stay at the I-C-U

This is your pal M.D. coming to you from the intensive care unit of Dyckersonville General Hospital, where I am recovering from a day filled with indescribable pain and agony. Allow me to excrete myself.

Every year my company sponsors a day-long outdoor training program at the local YMCA. It's called the "Ropes" course, and it is supposed to be a team-building exercise. But in reality, it's just a paid day out of the office. Sounds like a good thing, but as it turns out, I'd have been better off if I had just stayed in my cube listening to Asian guy pass gas.

Besides being a free vacation day, the "Ropes" course is an opportunity to touch people you barely know in places you'd rather not. That's where the team-building thing comes into play. You see, the course is a series of obstacles that require the team members to work together in order to complete them. For example, having three middle-aged women with bad backs try to lift a fat guy over a 50-foot high wall using nothing but splintery 2x4 and a length of twine. Or forming a human chain balanced atop a high-tension wire that was clearly designed to only carry the weight of one midget. Or attempting to lift an oily, wet, mosquito-infested tire over a 20-foot pole by standing on top of someone's head.

And all of this is done while the company jackass stands in a corner with a digital camera to document the humiliation for future blackmail purposes. And please, before you go there, I've heard every dumbass "Survivor" joke you could possibly think of at least three times today.

So as a result of today's festivities, I am now suffering from blisters, bruises, bug bites, scrapes, scratches, sunburn, and ropeburn. And not only that, but I think I caught crabs from the office skank. Any of these afflictions would surely kill an ordinary man, but fortunately, I am Dyckerson. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my nurse to empty out my crap bag. But no pain medicine for me...I'm a scientologist.


BTW, here are some pics of "Ropes" courses at other YMCA's to give you an idea of the sadomasochistic shit that takes place:

10 comments:

karla said...

Luckily for you, most women find it incredibly hot when a man wears a colostomy bag.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

That's nothing, Ms. Babble! You should check out my catheter sometime!

tfg said...

Another upside of the bag is that you can pop it in the microwave before you go out and you've got your own portable spaceheater.

Beth said...

You just described my family reunions.

~ stacy ~ said...

*chuckle*

You should have vied for the company jackass position... sounds like he had it made. ;)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG, you sure know a lot about crap bags!

Stacy, how can I be the company jackass when I'm already the company stud muffin?

minwah said...

are the crabs in your eyebrows??? what were you eating out there anyways??

tfg said...

Yeah, I'm the Martha Stewart of incontinence products. Someday I'll tell how you can make drapery out of Depends and JB Weld.

RevRee said...

Young man there's no need to feel down I said young man pick yourself off the ground I said young man 'cause your in a new town There's no need to be unhappy

Young man there's a place you can go I said young man when you're short on your dough You can stay there and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything For young men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys.

Chief Scientist said...

Are men allowed to comment here? It's all chicks.

And I warned you not to let the office skank sodomize you. That's just asking for crabs. Trust me on this one.