4/08/2006

I Want My Neighbors Dead

The upstairs neighbors in my condo building, I mean. If they're not fucking the hell out of each other at all hours of the day and night, they're blasting their shitty music out of their shitty stereo. And the only way to get them to knock it off is to put a few dents in the ceiling with my trusty broomstick. This has been going on ever since these assholes moved in here a year ago.

And today opened a new chapter in this never-ending nightmare. I had just finished a delicious Kit Kat bar and was heading for the crapper for my afternoon constitutional. As I reached the outside of the bathroom door, I stepped in a puddle of soggy carpet. My first thought is a leak in the hot water tank, which is right beside the bathroom. But a quick inspection turns up negative. It was as dry as a bone. So was the floor in the bathroom itself, which ruled out anything in there. Then I looked up, and there it was...droplets of water hanging from the ceiling above my bathtub. That's right, the fucking idiots above me have a goddamn leak.

Do they even know they have a leak in their bathroom, you ask? Of course they do. Do they give a shit? HELL NO. Why not? Because they're the center of the fucking universe, you silly goose! Everything revolves around them, and no one else matters! I mean, what other assumption can you make? These people are fucktard assholes of the highest caliber. And the really amazing thing is, they're not even aware of the level of their own assholery! In fact, they actually think they're the fucking victims here! They've gotten the local donut monkeys involved on one occasion, and they had the fucking nerve to complain to the cops about me pounding on their floor!

Now if you've been keeping up, you know I've been in the process of moving out of this dump. Crippled chick finally signed the contract to buy my condo (sucker), so now I've got to get the building's maintenance flunkies in here to fix the damage before the buyer shows up with her inspector, or the whole deal could get killed. Fantastic timing. Well done, you fucking bastards.

So I'm going to just lay it out on the line here. I want to hire someone to kill my neighbors. I'd gladly do it myself, but I'm not good with a gun, and I don't want to risk staining my good cutlery. I'm thinking maybe fifty bucks for the two of them. I'd offer more, but I've already got a contract out on Howie Mandel, and I don't want to overextend my credit. So if you're interested in some quick cash, submit an application along with three references and I'll get back to you.

12 comments:

Motor City Monk said...

Forgot to add him to my list, but Howie Mandel is a supreme cocktoaster - especially on that new show of his.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hell yeah. His head even looks like a circumcized cock.

minwah said...

I always love it when people use "fucktard". Definitely underused.

So - crippled chick is buying the place, huh?? How many times did you bang her to close the deal?

Howie Mandel...I thought he was going to shit himself when this contestant tried to hug him...you know he's a pussy ass germaphobe.

Instead of a broom, use a hunting rifle to bang on the ceiling, keeping your finger on the trigger. Then, instead of the maintenance man, hire a private firm to do the repairs - tell them you have termites or something - and you just want the holes covered up. By the time those assholes start to smell, crippled girl will be having her first dinner party.

Where are you moving Dyckie?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'm moving in next door to you, Minwah! Make sure you leave your blinds up when you're getting dressed in the morning...

RevRee said...

Why don't you just go up and pee on them while they're sleeping?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Because with my luck, the pee would seep through their floor and drip on my head when I'm sleeping.

Willo Keays said...

Fucktard is my new favorite word. That sandman guy on medialine is the ultimate of all ultimate fucktards.

Sorry to hear abut the leak - if all else fails you could place one of those in home fountains on the floor - and tell crippled chick you were experimenting with a new ceiling to floor fountain design - and still have a few bugs to work out.

minwah said...

Forget about the blinds Dyck...just come over and I'll open up the door naked for you.

Motor City Monk said...

i want to see minwah naked too

Jodi said...

You're just jealous that the neighbors are getting laid and you're not. Admit it.

Fucktard has always been a favorite word of mine, along with asshat and twunt. There are more, but my brain isn't cooperating with me yet.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Tell ya what... I'll throw in an extra $50 if you can get a three-for-two deal. My neighbor is a total uptight wanker. His ass needs to be whacked.

Or... I could just write 'fucktard' in his lawn with bleach.

*heh*

minwah said...

You'll have to come over with Dyck one morning....but if I show mine, you guys have to show yours!!