4/28/2006

Blind Date...Well sorta...

The other night I went on a blind date with this chick I met on MySpace. We'd emailed once or twice, but never met in person. So finally I called her up and asked her out. And since I am Dyckerson, she naturally accepted.

We were planning on going to dinner at around 6:00, but then the bitch called and asked to change it to 6:30. Something about having to work late (yeah, right). She said she'd call me when she got off, so I decided to put on my favorite pink t-shirt, grab dinner with my brother at Taco Bell, and meet her there afterward.

So I'm sitting in the fucking restaurant for what seems like an eternity waiting for this broad to show up. Why do women take so damn long to get ready for a date? What the hell was she doing? Shaving her legs?? Anyway, finally I try to call her again...only now she's pretending to ignore my phone call. Then she calls me back, and all the sudden a group of illegal immigrants storm into the Taco Bell and start singing the national anthem in spanish. The chick says, "Oh God, what is that?" I tell her to shut the fuck up and get over here.

Another two or three hours go by. Then I see this hot little chick of questionable ethnic background pull up in a cheap foreign car. She climbs out, approaches the glass door, and walks straight into it, shattering the glass into a million pieces. Well at this point I've got a mouthful of nacho supreme, so my brother gets up and ushers her to our table.

We talk for a while. I inquire about her ethnicity, and it turns out she's a "half-&-half." For some reason this made me need to vomit, so I excuse myself to the little senor's room. When I return, I find out she has ordered sodas for me and my brother. We continue chatting as I drink my soda, and soon I start feeling dizzy and light-headed. Turns out the bitch spiked our sodas with booze! My brother and I were both drunk off our asses! I had to leave the table to go vomit again...three more times!!!

Now it's getting late, and they're getting ready to close the Taco Bell. My brother got a ride from his girlfriend. I'm still drunk, so the chick offers me a ride home in her cheap foreign car. At this point I have no choice, so I reluctantly agreed. While we're in the car, she offers me what she says is a mint. Turns out the "mint" is really an Ecstasy pill!! What the fuck??! I immediately spit it out, but it hits the window, and the dame starts laughing her ass off at me: "BWAHAHAHAHA!!"

Finally we arrive at my crib, and I'm relieved, thinking this disastrous night was over. But then she pulls the old "can I use your bathroom" routine, so I had no choice but to let her in. Turns out she really did have to use the bathroom...apparently the big beef burrito she ate earlier didn't agree with her. Good God almighty, that half-&-half stunk up my whole house!

Then the moment arrives. We're standing close to each other. I'm looking down at her, and she's looking up at me...complete silence. Then I whisper to her, "My house smells like shit!" Then she says, "This isn't the time or the place." So I kicked her out the door and had my phone number changed.

THE END.

12 comments:

minwah said...

Oh nooooooo.

Why, Dyckie? Why?

Motor City Monk said...

I hear Wendy's is a much better choice for a first date.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Monk - If they'd stick to the 99-cent value menu, sure. But them gold digging bitches always like to go for a combo meal and biggie size it. And then they won't even put out afterwards! What's up with that??!

tfg said...

Did she leave an upper decker? If so, you probably ought to give her another chance.

RainStorm1212 said...

I take my dates to McDonalds because I get it free. Although I have to get into my police uniform on my day off, but, hey, free is free!

You should have made the bitch clean up her shit. hehehehe

RevRee said...

This is very interesting... something very similar happened to me...

Chief Scientist said...

I am stunned at the absolute perfection in this well-crafted post. But your internet wife is going to make you sleep in the cyber doghouse for writing it.

The Dude said...

Now that's a blind date story I can believe.

RevRee said...

FAKE POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little Lamb said...

I was thinking the same thing, Revree.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

RevRee, this isn't the time or the place.

Amy said...

That's hilarious.

Had I known you were going to blog about it, I would have behaved a little better.

Ah, well. :)