4/03/2006

Be Like Dyckerson in Ten Easy Steps!

Being Dyckerson means being worshipped and adored by millions of people. Dyckerson is a modern-day hero...a role model, if you will. In fact, hardly a day goes by without someone asking how they can be more like me. So in the interest of helping my fans become more Dyckersonesque, I have compiled the following list of pointers. Take notes!

1. Find out what annoys people and use it against them. For example, if you have a reader who is particularly sensitive to foul language, be sure to use it as often as fucking possible, damn it!

2. Take advantage of current events to create a firestorm. Remember when the space shuttle Columbia exploded a few years ago? Within hours after the news broke, I went in a chat room and tried to sell pieces of the wreckage. I'm still getting hate mail!

3. If it has breasts and a vagina, flirt with it. Turn everything they say into something dirty and sexual. And if they act offended, do it more! The broads love that shit!

4. You can get a lot of mileage out of one-liners. Message boards, chat rooms, blogs...they have a million and one uses. They don't always have to be funny. They just need to sound like they might be funny. But if you can't even do that, just insult someone's mother.

5. Be mysterious, and leave your audience wanting more. I cannot stress this enough. No one wants to read a 500-word essay about your toenail clippings. Reveal only small portions of yourself, and let your readers imagine the rest. For instance, many of you know what city I live in. But did you know that as a child, I liked to stick raisins up my nose?? I didn't think so!!

6. Kick people while they're down. If someone loses their job through no fault of their own, call them a worthless pile of garbage. Urge them to kill themselves. This is one of the most satisfying parts of being Dyckerson!

7. Build up a cult following and brainwash your members! Take Lambo for example. She used to be a goodie-goodie religious freak. But thanks to my teachings, Lambo is now a foul-mouthed klepto who rides a Harley and worships Satan!

8. Getting banned can make you immortal. Over the years, I have been banned from nearly every web site on the Internets. It's not hard to do. Just call an NAACP member a coon. Or threaten to urinate on someone's little girl. You'll be amazed at the results!

9. What good is being Dyckerson if you can't make $$$ from it?? Fake an illness. Tell people you're dying of some horrible disease, and you need the money to help pay hospital bills. Then, when the checks start rolling in, buy yourself an iPod!

10. Above all, strive for excellence every day. When life puts you in a difficult position, ask yourself, "What would Dyckerson do?" Soon you'll be on the path toward immortality.


14 comments:

Anonymous said...

stopped by to bring you some ankhs....

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thanks for the ankhs, skank!

minwah said...

Those breasts are UNREAL.

What's wrong with riding a Harley?

and if you don't shut up, I'll piss on your daughter.

Love you Dyck!!!

Anonymous said...

skank???? why I gotta be "skank"?

Jodi said...

It's a wonder why you're still single... *smooches*

Spill The Beans said...

I'm still trying to figure out the advantages of being a dyck. can you elaborate further?

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Your ethos is infallible.

You are a toe curling turd ingestor.

Your eyes smell like bats.

Retarded, sightless chimpanzees consider you to be inferior to them.

How am I doing?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Minwah, those melons are most definitely REAL. I inspected them myself.

Shangri La, the advantages of being Dyckerson are too numerous to mention in this little comment box. You may ask yourself, "What are the DISadvantages of being Dyckerson?" That is a far, far shorter list.

Mosha, you need more profanity. For example, change "You are a toe curling turd ingestor" to "You are a FUCKING toe curling turd ingestor." Get it?

UnderCrackers said...

I wish people would stop posting pictures of me and my enormous bazoombas on the interweb, yes they are fucking real....jeez.

Eunuch said...

FUCK YEAH!

Russell Allen said...

I think I am you... except with less lights and a more callous attitude. I would push a girl down the stairs to make her fall in love with me

Motor City Monk said...

You still reviewing blogs? What do I get out of it? Where do I read your shitty review?

Big fan.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Monk, you may read my shitty reviews and http://dycked.blogspot.com.

If you'd like to submit your shitty blog, send a shitty email to mightydyckerson@yahoo.com.

Now have a shitty day!

Motor City Monk said...

Thanks Dyck.

As usual I jumped the gun and posted that comment before I fully explored your blog. Then I found the link and emailed my request.

You're the shit - and I mean that in the best possible way.