3/21/2006

Update: Home Search '06

First, I am completely touched and overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my Medialine colleagues. I know you all miss my crude humor and witty retorts, but fear not! Dyckerson will not be silenced for long!! Keep up the good work!!!

As many of you know, Dyckerson has been looking to get away from his asshole neighbors and move into something bigger. This home buying and selling business is a real pain in the breakfast nook. I'm trying to avoid agents, because frankly, they're scum sucking weasels who like to lie and play games. I'd like to urinate on every single one of them!

One agent doesn't want to accept my contract on a townhouse because I have to make the offer contingent upon me finding a buyer for my condo. Well I didn't want to find a buyer for my condo until I have a place to go myself. But fine, I'll play along.

So I put my condo on the market. Nothing fancy, just some signs in the yard and an open house or two. Most houses actually sell through the MLS (Multiple Listing Service), which is just a database of homes for sale. This is a fucking racket, because these bastards want to charge $300 or $400 just to list a house. Granted, it's cheaper than giving an agent a big fat commission for doing mindless work. But being the tightwad that I am, I'm determined to sell my dump for as little as humanly possible.

Getting back to the open house. As soon as I put the ad in the paper, I was flooded with calls...mostly from scum sucking agent weasels who want to tell me how great they are at selling houses. They all have these "proven techniques" that are guaranteed to "produce results." Yeah, well I have a "proven technique" for bashing in skulls! It's called a SLEDGEHAMMER, and it's guaranteed to "produce" lots of blood and gore!!!

Quite a few people showed up for the open house. Mostly losers with nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon...except for this one crippled chick who stumbled in with a cane. When I saw her come in, I knew I had my sucker...I mean buyer. I mean, here I am with an affordable, tastefully decorated first-floor condo with no steps in a hot area of town. What crippled person wouldn't want that??

Sure enough, she started asking me a bunch of questions. When was it built? What's the square footage? Does the cottage cheese in the fridge convey? So I answered all her questions, gave her my contact info, and sent her crippled ass on her way. In hindsight, I should've stolen her cane and not given it back to her until she signed a contract. But like an idiot, I was nice. Now the crippled chick is dragging her feet (so to speak), and I'm still stuck trying to unload this rat hole.

The search continues...

12 comments:

Jodi said...

What about the hot girl that looked at your condo? You forgot about her. Or was that the crippled woman? Dear God, please tell me no.

Denial said...

Agents are the freaking worst! My last one said that the payment $ included taxes and insurance when it did in fact NOT include it!!! My payment is now $400.00 more a month then I thought it would be. I was so upset I wanted to sue, but I was stupid for listening to that blood sucking idiot! Just Sign here and here and here...

Good luck, man!

blog Portland said...

You should have shown her the sex swing she installed. She might be happy to know that she can also be lazy during sex too.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jodi, hot girl turned out to be not-so-hot. Funny how a voice can throw you.

Freakren, no shit! Beware of the following words in the description of the property:

"Quaint"
"Rustic"
"Charming"
"Needs TLC"
"All-original"

I said...

Don't get rid of your place until you're ready!

Spill The Beans said...

god i hate a realtor. I really, really hate them. Good luck with that.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Shangri La, I actually used to be one. God, what a lousy week that was.

RevRee said...

Howdy Partners!

Willo Keays said...

Soooooo .... Dyck DOES love us!!! He said so at the top of this post!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Husho, are we reading the same post?

~ Stacy ~ said...

You should have thrown in a can of peaches with the cottage cheese. Sweeten the deal, Mr. Dyckerson. Then, perhaps, crippled chick wouldn't be draggin' her feet.

sex swing said...

There's always a fun, new sex position to discover when you're spouse is hanging from the ceiling in a sex swing.