3/15/2006

I'm Afraid of Cottage Cheese

It's true, I admit it. I don't know why, because I've never even tried it. It's just one of those foods that I always assumed was disgusting. You know, like liver and onions. Or pig's feet. Or artichokes. There's a poorly named vegetable for you. I mean, who the hell would put something in their mouth whose very name contains the word "choke"? Seems like you'd be asking for trouble.

But getting back to cottage cheese. I actually like most kinds of cheese. And I have nothing against cottages. I even rented a cottage at the beach one summer. It was lovely, really. But somehow, when the words "cottage" and "cheese" are combined, it conjures up unpleasant thoughts.

I know people eat it every day. It's supposed to be good for you. That's why I bought a container of it two weeks ago. I forget what brand it is. Brookstone or Breakwind or Brokeback or something like that. Anyway, the container is still unopened and slowly migrating its way to the back of the fridge. I'm afraid to open it.

I think it's a case of guilt by association. For one thing, there's that old expression "cottage cheese thighs." How can I eat something that reminds me of the cellulose in my mother's legs?

Then there's the whole yogurt deal. Cottage cheese is a distant relative of yogurt - another food with a nasty sounding name...a food that contains, among other things, LIVE BACTERIA. YUMMY!!! Why do they put expiration dates on that shit? By its very nature, it's already expired! Buy a carton of milk. Leave it sitting in the sun for a few years, and before you know it, presto! You've got yogurt!!!

The final nail in the cottage cheese coffin is its unfortunate appearance. It's kind of a lumpy, yellowish gelatinous crud that I suspect smells like feet. You know, when you buy a can of soup or a box of cereal or tub of butter, there's always a picture of it on the label. But they don't do that with cottage cheese, and it's no accident. The cottage cheese industry knows their product looks like shit. So they always put a picture of a windmill or a farm house on the label.

So there you have it. Perhaps one day in a few years, I'll gather up the courage to open that container. Who knows, maybe if I wait long enough, it will turn into another, more edible, dairy product.

15 comments:

me said...

You have fear of Cottage Cheese?

RevRee said...

You're such a baby! Eat the damn cottage cheese! Ok, maybe not the one still in the back of your fridge.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'm a baby??! Look at that shit!

I didn't even mention the CURDS! This shit has CURDS in it! It says so right on the package! I don't know what the fuck curds are, but I sure as hell don't want them in my mouth!

Chris said...

That last paragraph was so good you had to repeat it.

How about you try cottage cheese like this; one bite of the cheese, one swig of your favorite beer to wash it down? And so on until the carton is gone and you are good and hammered.

Me said...

Why did you buy it then? I'm going to remember this and hopefully take advantage of this.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Why did I buy it?

Baby steps, my retarded little friend, baby steps. First I buy it. Maybe in a year or two, I'll gather the courage to open the container. By the time I'm 90, I might actually try a spoonful.

minwah said...

I have a friend who makes a cottage cheese loaf - they don't eat meat....so it's like meatloaf made with cottage cheese....but she swears you can't tell....but I won't let her bring in any for me to try...because I'd rather DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

Denial said...

I bet you it looks the same way coming up that it does going down... I know that's a cheap shot, but CC also makes me gag and I've never tried it either.

blog Portland said...

I love to be reminded of your mother's thighs.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Aha!! I knew it wasn't just me! Thank you Minwah and thank you Freakren! A round of DYCK'S for both of you!

McFatty, you have no idea how sick a statement that was.

I said...

Retarded little friend? I will use your fear of cottage cheese against you!

tfg said...

Dyck, you'll get used to it. It's always the first cottage cheese enema that's the worst.

hook said...

I will never look at cottage cheese the same! Or yogurt!

minwah said...

Yeah yogurt...something that says "live cultures" should never go into your body. NASTY.

The Newsbitch said...

Cottage cheese is foul. Enough said.

Haha - my word verif is 'weeetud'.

Sounds a bit dirty if you ask me. How I love Blogger word verification.