3/16/2006

Here We Go Again

I would like to state for the record that I would never urinate on a child for any reason. Nor would I condone that sort of behavior from anyone. In fact, it's not even something you should joke about. Unfortunately, I had to find that out the hard way.

I was on the Medialine message board the other night, minding my own business as usual, when I run across this thread started by some news chick. The thread involved her little daughter, who took it upon herself to "clean" the bathroom with mommy's $10 bottle of Victoria's Secret body spray. She laughed about how nice the bathroom smelled and how shiny everything was. Apparently she was proud of her daughter for taking such initiative. It was a nauseatingly sweet story, so naturally I couldn't resist giving it the Dyckerson touch.

So in my usual humorous way, I responded by saying that if any daughter of mine pulled such a stunt, I would beat the living shit out of her. Of course I was KIDDING.

Then the mother said something to the effect of "I hope you're not serious" (blah blah blah). Of course I wasn't serious. But the idea that she thought for even a second that I might be serious only encouraged me.

So I responded by saying that not only would I beat the living shit out of her daughter, but I'd flush her down the toilet and wash her down with a healthy dose of my urine. Again, kidding.

Well this created a firestorm. I found out it is considered in bad taste to make jokes about beating up and urinating on children. And not only is it in bad taste, but apparently it is also grounds for banishment from Medialine.

Well that's a new one to me. I checked Medialine's rules, and nowhere does it say you can't joke about hitting or pissing on kids. I mean, it seems to me if that sort of thing was frowned upon, it would be covered in the rules. Live and learn, I guess.

But seriously, a note to any young, impressionable kids who may be reading this:

It is NOT nice to beat the living shit out of anyone, no matter how badly they fuck up your bathroom. Nor should you relieve yourself on them and flush them down the crapper. Hell, I don't even know how you would fit a person into a toilet. The thing would just overflow and make a damn mess all over the floor. I suppose you could try chopping the body into small pieces first, but I doubt even that would work. You'd have to run the pieces through a meat grinder or something. But who the fuck has a meat grinder laying around the house? I mean, besides myself?


Obviously this calls for another Bring Back Mighty Dyckerson campaign, so dust off your BBMD logos and get ready for war!!!

26 comments:

RevRee said...

BBMD!!!!!!!!!

blog Portland said...

BDSM!!!! Wait...

I would pee on my children if a jellyfish stung them. That's still cool, right?

Denial said...

You got my support only if I can give you a golden shower. Wait, you got it anyways!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Good point, McFatty. I may use that when I appeal to the mods.

I said...

You are a real character. It makes you wonder why medialine would ever take you back. You keep messing up and they keep bringing you bsck. Why?

Anonymous said...

because he is fuckin' dyckerson and since barkie is gone, he is the only good thing to read over there.

Lena said...

Oh, Dyckerson! Cutting up children and flushing them down the toilet! Where DO you get your material? You are so hilarious!

Gosh, I wonder if your fat ass would fit down the toilet? Do us a favor and try, huh?

east coast producer said...

The first BBMD campaign, plus the ensuing La Revolucion has tired me out.

I have a job now, anyways.

You're on your own.

Bitch.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ooh, Lena! Such hateful words! You want a piece of me, you filthy cunt? You'll have to do better than that.

ECP - Your only job is to serve me. You will campaign for the return of Dyckerson, or you will lose your moderator status on Dyckersonville. Do I make myself clear???

Steph said...

Well i thought it was funny. But then my sense of humour is questionable at best.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Steph, you are a woman of impeccable taste. And don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

ciscoubr said...

BBMD! BBMD! BBMD! BBMD! BBMD! BBMD! BBMD! BBMD! BBMD! BBMD!

Willo Keays said...

Oh Dyckie! Dyckie! Dyckie!!!!! When will you learn? You can't mess with moms. We have ALLLLLLLL the power. Don't worry - we'll fix this. Just sit back, get some rest, and read up on the latest ways to reduce your cholesterol.

I've been itchin for a fight on medialine. Perhaps I can bring out my alter-ego and start whipping some a**?

minwah said...

You used the C-word. Dyckie...you are my hero.

Oh - and the kid thing...you have to protect yourself from them. They're everywhere...the overprotective, psycho moms. This is the same woman who will be defending her half-ass kid for every shitty thing he does in life (selling dope, robbing banks, burning down the house), just because she bore him. The kid never do any wrong, until he/she has their own child, and then the overprotective grandmother in the wench will come out - and at that point, everything her kid does as a parent will be wrong. Full circle of life - ya know?

Fuck 'em and feed 'em beans.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Minwah, will you marry me?

Crimefile said...

Hey Dyck!

When are you going to get a Hollywood agent. May I suggest www.gershcomedy.com in Beverly Hills and New York.

They have top acts in their stable.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Wow, I haven't beaten a child and peed on him/her in a long time. I guess I'm getting too old for that sort of thing, but thanks for the memories . . .

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thanks Crimefile, but I don't need no ten percenters robbing me of my hard-earned money!

Dr. Nosewaiter, you should come out to one of my Child Abuse Club meetings. First Monday of every month.

april said...

That bitch is giving mom's across the land a bad name. I mean come on, does this douche bag not have a sense of humour? I personally thought it was hilarious and I am a mother.

Fuck those uptight bitches!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bless you, April! Now copy and paste that post and email it to Mark!

april said...

I'm missing something here.....who is Mark?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mark is the administrator of the Medialine message board. He may be flamed at mark@medialine.com.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Dude, you are raw ... like that freakin' grinder goo!

I can see both sides of this issue, but ... It just so happens that I have a terribly warped sense of humor. So I get you.

Funny stuff. I laughed.

I'd probably beat the shit out of you, grind you up into tiny pieces, stomp your guts all over the floor, and then flush what's left of you down a public crapper, if you talked about pissing on my kids though.

*smile*

Do you have any little monsters of your own?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Do you have any little monsters of your own?

Only the one in my pants, baby!

PetStarr said...

Fuck man, this blog is the best. Where haveyou been all my life????

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Fuck man, this blog is the best. Where haveyou been all my life????
Waiting for you, my darling...