3/08/2006

Get the Fuck Out!!

Today was the last day of one of my co-workers. He had been here something like 300 years. You know what? I don't give a shit. Doesn't affect me one damn bit. It's not like I'm getting a promotion or a big fat raise. To my knowledge, the idiot isn't even being replaced. Nor will he be able to get me a better job at his new company - he's moving to fucking Arkansas or some shit. So why was I forced to acknowledge his departure not once...not twice...not thrice...but FOUR TIMES over a period of an ENTIRE WEEK???

It began last Tuesday when my department took the bozo out for a going-away lunch. I had to endure an hour of listening to the old timers talk about the "good ole days" and how the company is going to shit and oh by the way did you read the last edition of Computer Dorks Monthly. I had to sit through this without alcohol, mind you.

After that ordeal, I figured that would be it. Adios, Pedro. Hit the road.

But then came part two: the farewell card. In case you didn't know, Hallmark has a fucking card for everything, including departing co-workers. In my office, whenever someone leaves...or gets married...or has a baby...or passes a kidney stone, we all sign a card. Most people write shit like "Good luck" or "Congratulations." I always put "Drop dead, cocksucker." It's perfect because it works for everything.

Think we're done yet? Think again.

The third waste of my time came yesterday when the douchebag made rounds going to each and every cube and saying goodbye to everyone. Is this a productive use of company time? So he went around telling everybody about his new job (yawn) and how he's going to keep in touch with everyone (yeah right). After doing this for approximately seven hours, he finally gets around to me. "Hey Dyckerson! Here's my email address! Let's keep in touch!" Hey shithead. Here's my prick. Give it a yank.

So that's it. We're done. He's gone. Or is he?

I honestly thought his last day was yesterday. But when I got to work today, the moron was STILL THERE! I'm thinking this shit is never going to end!! This afternoon, we're all called into the employee lounge for an impromptu goodbye party. And let me tell you, parties at my office are wild. We're talking chocolate cake and plastic forks here, people. One time they really went nuts and had balloons. So we had this stupid party that lasted all of about five minutes. Yeah, I got a free piece of cake out of the deal, but my afternoon nap was interrupted. I've been grouchy all afternoon as a result.

I swear, if the bastard shows up tomorrow, I'm going to knock him upside the head with a lead pipe.

15 comments:

Chris said...

Reminds me of a Yanni concert my wife and I took my mom to a few years back. He wouldn't leave the stage. 5 freakin encores. We left and he was still bowing. For all I know, he's still there pumping the audience for more.

RevRee said...

Reminds me a Bon Jovi concert. I had to endure 3.5 hours of "Livin' on a Prayer" I swear every one of his damn songs sounds the same! I didn't get any chocolate cake though...

Little Lamb said...

Pssst! His last day might be Friday.

Jodi said...

This story reminds me of, ummm, nothing, but I laughed out loud at:

"Hey shithead. Here's my prick. Give it a yank."

Send me some cake. You can keep the plastic fork though.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Update: The bastard is finally gone! Glory Hallelujah and Amen! I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from me!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to raid his old desk for office supplies. And then I'm going to a Yanni concert.

tfg said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tfg said...

Reminds me of the time I had genital herpes. They come and go, but you never get rid of them.

Kelli said...

FYI tfg...you have the herpes, it's for life. good luck with that

blog Portland said...

I'm sure his biggest regret is parting company with the world's biggest Dyck. I mean, he is moving to Arkansas, so sodomy is obviously something he enjoys.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

McFatty - I actually don't know what state he's moving to. When I said Arkansas, I was using it as a generic term to refer to any southern or midwestern state that nobody cares about. Coulda been Louisiana, Mississippi, Idaho, or New Mexico for all I know.

Denial said...

LMAO @ "Drop dead, cocksucker. It's perfect because it works for everything."

You have it easy... try being the person forced to plan such lame events for people you know talk shit about you. I start imagining that snow white scene in 9 to 5 where she puts rat poison in the coffee. Is this wrong?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Yeah Freakren, we have an employee committee at work. I don't know what the fuck they do, besides collect money.

http://mightydyckerson.blogspot.com/2005/10/leave-me-fuck-alone.html

The Newsbitch said...

LMAO! That was hilarious. You should seriously consider getting into the greeting card industry ;)

Love the bit about party - in my old workplace it was slightly worse, as whenever someone left the squeaking, irritating workplace gossips would go round collecting money to buy a farewell present. What was funny was that these bitches talked about everyone behind their back, and when it was time for someone to leave they'd act all saintly collecting cash. Stupid old whores.

Annnyway, yeah, at least you didn't have to donate $10 to buy him farewell booze. That would be the icing on the plastic fork, wouldn't it?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Good tip, Newsbitch! I'll call Hallmark right away!

Think about it...They could make a fortune if they sold a line of "revenge cards" to send to people you hate!

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