3/05/2006

Dyckerson Health Watch

I thought I'd take a break from DYCK'NG people to share the results of my latest blood work. As some of you may recall, I've been battling high cholesterol since last year when my idiot doctor told me I had it. "You've got high cholesterol," the quack tells me. Yeah, and you've got bad breath. Just get to the part where you squeeze my balls and check for lumps. That's the only reason I'm here. Anyhow, he prescribed some shit called Advicor and told me to eat right and exercise. I told him to mind his own fucking business.

So here we are a year later, and I'm sorry to say there hasn't been much improvement. See for yourself with the handy MIGHTY DYCKERSON CHOLESTEROL CHART:

February '05:
  • Total Cholesterol - 265
  • HDL - 40
  • LDL - 152
  • Triglycerides - 365
November '05:
  • Total Cholesterol - 237
  • HDL - 51
  • LDL - 121
  • Triglycerides - 324
February '06:
  • Total Cholesterol - 247
  • HDL - 56
  • LDL - 137
  • Triglycerides - 272


The biggest improvement has been with the triglycerides, which are down almost 100 points. To celebrate, I ate a box of glazed donuts and washed it down with a carton of delicious chocolate milk. But I don't know why Advicor isn't working. I've been inserting a pill into my rectum every day for the last year. (They're not really suppositories, but I have a hard time swallowing pills.)

So that's the deal. If things don't improve next time, I'm thinking of hiring someone to diet and exercise for me because it's too damn much trouble. Any takers???

7 comments:

RevRee said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
RevRee said...

It's a miracle you're still alive... Maybe we should talk about a life insurance policy?

You know, in case something happens, I'll be able to take care of the kids

Willo Keays said...

U should try my program -{seriously}.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

What program is that, Husho? Living off unemployment and auditioning for reality shows?? ;)

Little Lamb said...

You should take care of yourself. Stop eating stuff you're not allowed to and stay away from Joinusforcake.

Little Lamb said...

Stop eating cake from Joinusforcake!

blog Portland said...

One too many bacon smoothies, I presume?