2/24/2006

That 70's Townhouse

Take a close look at this townhouse. If you ever run across this thing in your travels, for the love of God, get the hell away from it. I went to look at this shit hole during my lunch break today. For those of you who don't know, I've been looking to move ever since the asshole neighbors from Hell moved in to the condo above mine. I've been focusing my search on townhouses so I could have a small yard but still not have to worry about maintenance. Dyckerson does not like to sully his soft, tender hands with dirt and grime and such. Besides, most single family homes around here are way too fucking expensive.

So back to this townhouse. This was an older unit, built in the mid-70's, and it had been vacant for quite some time. The seller's agent was waiting outside when I arrived in the DyckMobile. We exchanged pleasantries and headed inside.

The front door opened to the living room, where I immediately started having 70's flashbacks. What is this I'm stepping on? Brown shag carpet? "Well, it is a deep pile carpeting. That's very rare these days," the agent says. No shit, Copernicus! There's a reason for that, you know!

We continued down the hall to the kitchen, which sported ugly brown cabinets and a worn vinyl floor with approximately 39 shades of brownish yellow. "This is all original," the agent boasted. So is my colon. Would you like to eat in THAT???

The final stop on the first floor was half bath. The agent was trying to gloss on by this feature, but I took a peek out of curiosity. Holy God, I wish I hadn't. More ugly vinyl flooring...more outdated fixtures...but wait a second. What the fuck is that in the toilet?!! "Oh, that's just some mineral deposits. Nothing to worry about." Mineral deposits??!! Since when are minerals the color of shit? People, I kid you not. The inside of the toilet was brown...and so was the liquid inside the toilet.


As we headed upstairs, I marvelled at how closely the brown shag carpet matched the contents of the first floor crapper. In the master bedroom, there was a large rectangular patch of dust bunnies that extended at least an inch above the surface of the floor. Gee, I wonder where the bed used to be. "Yeah, the previous owner didn't do much cleaning before they left," the agent said. Did the bastards even own a fucking vacuum cleaner??!

Bedroom number two was a little girl's room. I gathered this from the pink walls and the plastic stars glued to everything. Wait a minute, what the fuck is that smell? "I think that's from the pet." Oh really? And how many wild pigs did they have, exactly??!

There was a full bath on the second floor. More ugly vinyl flooring and 30-year-old fixtures. The toilet lid was down...and as far as I was concerned, it was staying that way.

The final bedroom was a home office. How did I know that? Because there was an ugly desk and rusty file cabinet in there. "Oh yeah, they left a few things behind when they moved out." What the fuck did these people do, move out in the middle of the night? What was the hurry? Are they wanted by the feds??

At this point, I wanted to get the hell out of that pit like you wouldn't believe. But the agent planted himself in front of the door and started in on the hard sell. "So what do you think?" What do I think? I think I'm about to become violently ill if you don't step off right now!! "What do you mean? Sure it needs a little TLC, but that's part of it's charm," he said. What it needs is a few sticks of dynamite. This is the ugliest fucking townhouse I've ever seen! "Oh!!!" said the agent. "Townhouse?? I thought you said BROWN house!!"

So to make a long story short, my search for a new crib continues.....


21 comments:

east coast producer said...

That's an awfully shitty house -- even from the outside -- for someone who allegedly cashed out Google stock for $100k.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thanks ECP. It's in a nice area of town, actually. But it had been a rental for a long time...probably rented out to a loser like yourself.

east coast producer said...

No, Dyck, I'm afraid not. Had it been rented to me, the toilets would not have been in such disrepair as my shit does not stink.

blog Portland said...

Maybe if you buy the shithole and fake a horrible illness, those douchebags from Extreme Makeover Home Edition will take pity on you and tear it down. They may even send you Disney World.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Actually, I was thinking the guy from Dirty Jobs might come in and clean it...

minwah said...

Looks like our kind of place baby, when do we move in? You can use the nasty bathroom hun....I know you'd do that for me....

JoinUsForCake said...

Where was that? Southside or East End?

RevRee said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mighty Dyckerson said...

West end, Cake man.

Minwah, you left your toothbrush at my place last weekend...so I was thinking I'd use it to scrub that nasty toilet...

minwah said...

I wasn't going to use that toothbrush anyways after what you did to your ASS with it...lolol.

kisssssssss

Chris said...

Dude its simple. Buy this mosh pit and work a good deal. Then, call up TLC and tell them you have their next episode of "In a Fix". They'll take care of it for you and maybe while they're working to make this thing look like the Taj Majal you can work something out with Jenny.

Don't say I never do anything for you.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Chris, I don't trust those home makeover shows. They'll want to paint the walls lavendar and make drapes out of potato sacks...and of course it's all a big surprise to the homeowner. Well guess what, I dont like surprises.

But I wouldn't mind making a grab for this Jenny chick, whoever she is.

crazy pete the crazy man said...

You hairy-palmed chunkerton! What say you, fair knave? Dost thou desire the cold touch of a woman; or pray for the warm love of a man? As strange bedfellows and gargoyles travel the lighted spaces and beckon to the darkness, I see thee as a rooted faun. A diller can't fugger. A chuggin sad nedo.

Dart you! Dart you.

east coast producer said...

Dyck is a sand nigga.

RevRee said...

Excuse me?

Jodi said...

I'm unsure of what all of that was from Crazy Pete. Entertaining.

Where in the screw was this place? In the ghetto? Florence Henderson called, she wants her house back and Alice is going to have a hell of a time, but she'll earn her pay, fo sho.

RainStorm1212 said...

Dyck, why don't you create a new blog just for reviews. Give the IT2M bitches some competition. I'm sure you can get some people to help with the reviews.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'm way ahead of you, Raino!!

RevRee said...

I wanna help!

The Newsbitch said...

LOL good post - that house looks awful.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thanks NB. My understanding is it's still for sale. What a shock!