2/22/2006

I am a fucking idiot.

I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot.
I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot.
I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot.
I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot.
I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot. I am a fucking idiot.

Tonight I was having dinner at Shoney's with Mother Dyckerson. Spending time with Mother D. is usually an exercise in sheer torture, as she always speaks to me as if I'm a five year old. But tonight, a pleasant distraction was awaiting me in the booth diagnally across from ours. A lovely young brunette whom I'll refer to as "Salad Chick" (because she was eating salad) was having dinner with a female companion. When I say lovely, I mean she was mildly attractive...not drop dead gorgeous, but certainly no Bea Arthur either. She was wearing a cute blue sweater-blouse thingy and black jeans. Quite a nice little figure too. Bottom line, Salad Chick was definitely in my league! And the lack of finger bling meant she was available!!

As the evening progresses and Mother Dyckerson is droning on about the latest distant relative to drop dead, I'm periodically glancing over at Salad Chick. And a few times, I actually catch Salad Chick starting to look in my direction. But because I am a fucking idiot, I immediately look away, so we never actually make eye contact. I suck at eye contact, mainly because I am a fucking idiot.

So I'm sitting there in the Shoney's booth eating my meat loaf and wondering how the hell I can approach this woman with my mom right here with me. Mom actually got up to go to the bathroom around 17 times during the course of the meal, so it's not like I didn't have a chance. But each time, my mind draws a blank. I have no idea how to approach Salad Chick without coming off looking like a fucking idiot. Which is what I am.

Finally, Salad Chick and her little friend get up to leave. I'm sitting there watching her as she pokes around in her cute little Salad Chick purse for tip money. I'm thinking, "Dyckerson, you're gonna blow it if you don't make a move right now!" So what do I do? Nothing. Why? Because I am a fucking idiot.

Of course, as soon as we're in the parking lot, it hits me. I could've handed my phone number to the waitress to pass on. Or I could've had the waitress send them one of those Shoney's chocolate fudge brownie sundae things on me. Or fuck that, I could've just picked up the tab for their entire meal! I mean, they're eating salad, and it's fucking Shoney's, for Chrissakes. What's that gonna cost me, seven bucks?! Or I could've just walked up to the table, dropped my pants, and said "Hey ladies, check out this Big Boy!" But no, I didn't think of any of this until we leave the restaurant.....because I am a fucking idiot.

So at this very moment, I could be making sweet love to Salad Chick and thinking of baby names. But instead, I'm just lying here alone on the couch telling you morons about what a fucking idiot I am. Because I am a fucking idiot. No, make that a pussy. I'm a big stupid fucking pussy.

***UPDATE***
Today I placed an ad in the missed connections section of Craigslist! Salad Chick, if you're out there, please contact me! Fate brought us together once...maybe Fate can do it again!!

30 comments:

east coast producer said...

Well no duh. I've been trying to tell you that you're a pussyand a big stupid fucking idiot for years.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

tfg said...

Surely they have hookers in Dyckersonville?

blog Portland said...

I would have used this line:

"Hey pretty lady, care to join me and my mother? We can score 10% off by using her senior discount card. High five!"

blog Portland said...

Oh and by the way, I'll have your link up tomorrow.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ECP, I thought denial was the first step - ???

BP, what do you mean tomorrow? I want that link TODAY. Got it??!

The Dude said...

You're not a fucking idiot. 90% of guys would've done the same thing I bet. Not me though...I would've made sweet love.

ewink said...

Damn you're a fucking idiot, Dyckerson!

east coast producer said...

You should have followed the above poster's advice -- just explain the lady you're with is your mom, and she should't think anything of it. I mean, it only makes sense to have lunch with your mom if you're living in her basement.

Little Lamb said...

Oh brother! Such language.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ah, go fuck yourself.

minwah said...

Fucking idiot. You shoulda swept her off her feet with that Shoney's sundae...all women love chocolate....

Or you could have written your number out in potato wedges on the floor next to her table when your mom was going potty 17 times.....

Either way - SIEZE THE DAY!!!

thebillofbrothers said...

Man, can I relate. The worst is when you think they may have shown an ounce of interest in you...

I'm a fucking idiot too. Nice to meet you.

blog Portland said...

Is this her? Looks like fate to me!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Yes, Minwah, I know. There are a million things I could've done. I've decided to go back to that Shoney's at the same time every night for the rest of my life, in hopes of finding Salad Chick again.

And Bill, welcome. Let's do lunch, idiot.

east coast producer said...

Dyck, what ever happened to that whore with the blog that you frequented? Do you still get her panties in a bunch (figuratively, of course.. I doubt she ever wore any)? Do you continue with your vitrolic comments so as to inflame her herpes?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Which whore? Could you be more specific?

If you mean Britni the college slut, then yes, I do pop in on her from time to time. She actually sent me a long, blathering email defending her promiscuity and requesting a truce. Naturally, I declined.

blog Portland said...

It wasn't all bad. I originally came to this blog from a link about "some jerkoff" bashing HNT and that Britni chick. I agreed with your sentiments about her, but am nonetheless thankful that there is only so much common ground between us.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

JERKOFF?? WTF??!?!

Alright, I want names and/or links, and I want them NOW!

minwah said...

I think I know which whore he means....you know...the one...come on...you can remember...youpassed her off to him, and now he's trying to rid himsekf of her by sending you back. Don't do it!!

minwah said...

and my dumb ass cannot type.

JoinUsForCake said...

Dude. I actually met Bea Arthur. Seriously.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Cake, you need to stop going to those Golden Girls conventions and get a real life!

And Minwah, you need to stop typing with your ass.

blog Portland said...

The link was from that Osamabasso guy; the one that started HNT. This was maybe 3-4 months ago.

Chris said...

I think most of us don't acknowledge our "inner intuition" but it is a powerful force of nature and we must recon with it. Your inner intuition, as much as you have denied its existence, was screaming loudly and saying "Be done with these shenanigans my boy. You are at Shoney's with your Mom. Failure is at hand. There will be much laughter and pointing in your general direction. Let Mommy pay the bill and then leave. Don't look back."

Don't kick yourself, you did the right thing.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Chris, I'll have you know I paid the bill.

But mommy left the tip.

cookie monster said...

Me love cookies.

Jodi said...

Dyck, grow some balls. *smooches*

Ms Smack said...

My suggestion... she may be a regular there. Make friends with the staff, give them your number. They may recognise her. They may provide your number to her - or become a regular there yourself and increase the odds of becoming less of a fucking idiot.

goodluck with it.

Anonymous said...

You've run out of young innocent chicks to Dyck over.
It's nice to see you have resorted to Shoneys...After well over three decades you landed where I thought you would land, pining over a girl's salad during an early bird special.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Actually Honeysmack, could I have your number instead?