2/07/2006

How I Killed K-Mart


When I was a young Dyckerson, Wal-Mart wasn't the retail giant it is today. If you wanted to buy shitty merchandise at everyday low prices, you had to haul your ass to the K. Of course, that's no longer the case. These days, you can't swing a severed penis without hitting a Wal-Mart. So what led to the demise of K-Mart? I believe it was one of my turds.

The year was circa 1979, and I was about 7 years old. Mother Dyckerson was in need of some shitty merchandise, so she forced me into our Plymouth Volare station wagon against my will and dragged me to the store.

As soon as we get inside the K-Mart, I started getting these cramps. They were mild at first, but then they started to get worse. I knew I was going to have to take a dump, but I was a kid, and I was terrified of public restrooms. (Still am, actually.) And since I was with my mom, I'd have to go in there by myself. Well that wasn't going to happen. Besides, I had incredibly tight sphinctor muscles, so I figured I could hold it til we got home. And that probably would've worked if it weren't for that damn blue light special.

Finally I couldn't hold it any longer. I didn't pull down my pants and squat or anything. It just kinda came out on its own...somehow this turd came out of my butt, down my pants leg, and onto the white linoleum floor right there in the cosmetics aisle. It was a perfect, solid log. If only I had taken my camera phone...but alas, they hadn't been invented yet. Luckily, Mother Dyckerson was totally oblivious to the whole incident, as she was preoccupied with her shopping on another aisle. In fact, as luck would have it, no one was around to witness the carnage.

So I limped out to the Volare and endured the ride home in my filthy britches, hoping mommy wouldn't catch a whiff of anything offensive. Thankfully, it was a nice day, so I could open my window. On the way home, I wondered how long my turd would stay on that floor before someone noticed it. I imagined the headline on the evening news:

HAZMAT CREWS INVESTIGATE MYSTERY TURD FOUND ON FLOOR OF LOCAL K-MART

I never did find out what happened to my feces. But it wasn't long afterwards that K-Mart began its slow decline in market share and Wal-Mart rose into prominence. And I can't help thinking that my loose bowels may have been partly responsible. It's a guilty burden I'll have to carry with me the rest of my life.

6 comments:

east coast producer said...
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east coast producer said...

You "*had* incredibly tight sphinctor muscles"? Does that mean after decades of San Francisco-style sex they've considerably loosened?

And what's with the aversion towards public toilets? Some of the best sex I've had in my life took place in public restrooms.

And airplanes.

And Revree.

But mostly Lambo.

RevRee said...

When I was a kid, I peed in the public pool...but never pooped

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ECP, the bowels are looser now due to chronic constipation. I haven't taken a dump since the Clinton administration.

And somehow I'm not surprised you've had sex with farm animals...

Little Lamb said...

Do you see what you started with ECP and me? He now thinks he and I are an item!

Jodi said...

That's some shit ass luck Dyck. Oh how I look forward to your tales each morning.

Brown light SPECIAL in cosmetics!