2/10/2006

Fuck Valentine's Day

I hate Valentine's Day. Everybody knows it's one of those manufactured holidays, forced upon us by the greeting card companies to make us buy their shit. If it's a legitimate holiday that warrants sending a card, I whip out the construction paper and glitter and make my own. It's much more personal ... and more importantly, CHEAP. I even write my own little personalized poems for the inside of the cards.

For example, I sent this one to a really hot chick I met last year:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'd like to take my Johnson,
And shove it in you.

Here's one I sent to the bitch I was seeing at the time (I was trying to get her to leave me alone so I could score with the hot chick):

Daisies are yellow,
Lillies are white,
Here's twenty bucks,
Now get out of my sight.

Even when I was a child, I hated Valentine's Day. In school, we were forced to exchange cards with our classmates. I don't know about you, but I fucking HATED most of my classmates. They were all Class-A douchebags. In my fifth grade gym class, I got a card with the following message scribbled on it:

Dear Mightonimus,*

I think you are reelly cute. Do you lick me? I lick you a lot. Maybe we culd get together after class and play somtimes? That wuld be fun!

Sincrely,
Coach Whitehead

Well, I never did hook up with Coach Whitehead. Although once I did get a blowjob from his sexy little wife. And a result, I had to repeat fifth grade ..... SEVEN TIMES. To this day, my parents still think I am a retard. But it was worth it.

The fun continues into adulthood. Now not only do you have to deal with cards, but you're expected to give gifts as well. And it can't be something generic like flowers or candy. Nor can it be anything useful like a sponge mop**. No, no, no. The bitches all want something romantic. I say, "You want romance?! Give me 20 seconds in the bedroom, I'll show you romance! I'll give you so much damn romance, you'll be walking funny for a week!!"

I can only imagine it gets worse from here. As far as I can tell, the only way out (besides death) is marriage. Hmmm. I think take up heroin and skydiving.

*Those assholes never could spell my name correctly.

**One year I gave a sponge mop to a girl I was over with. I spent the night in the emergency room waiting for a doctor to pry the thing out of my ass. You think that's funny?? Try taking a dump with a butt full of splinters.

3 comments:

Little Lamb said...

Such language!

RevRee said...

A peach is a peach, A plum is a plum,
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue,
So open up your mouth, close your eyes,
And give your tongue some exercise!!!

Miss Misery said...

Haha, that's hysterical! I hate Valentines day too.