So back to this townhouse. This was an older unit, built in the mid-70's, and it had been vacant for quite some time. The seller's agent was waiting outside when I arrived in the DyckMobile. We exchanged pleasantries and headed inside.
The front door opened to the living room, where I immediately started having 70's flashbacks. What is this I'm stepping on? Brown shag carpet? "Well, it is a deep pile carpeting. That's very rare these days," the agent says. No shit, Copernicus! There's a reason for that, you know!
We continued down the hall to the kitchen, which sported ugly brown cabinets and a worn vinyl floor with approximately 39 shades of brownish yellow. "This is all original," the agent boasted. So is my colon. Would you like to eat in THAT???
The final stop on the first floor was half bath. The agent was trying to gloss on by this feature, but I took a peek out of curiosity. Holy God, I wish I hadn't. More ugly vinyl flooring...more outdated fixtures...but wait a second. What the fuck is that in the toilet?!! "Oh, that's just some mineral deposits. Nothing to worry about." Mineral deposits??!! Since when are minerals the color of shit? People, I kid you not. The inside of the toilet was brown...and so was the liquid inside the toilet.
As we headed upstairs, I marvelled at how closely the brown shag carpet matched the contents of the first floor crapper. In the master bedroom, there was a large rectangular patch of dust bunnies that extended at least an inch above the surface of the floor. Gee, I wonder where the bed used to be. "Yeah, the previous owner didn't do much cleaning before they left," the agent said. Did the bastards even own a fucking vacuum cleaner??!
Bedroom number two was a little girl's room. I gathered this from the pink walls and the plastic stars glued to everything. Wait a minute, what the fuck is that smell? "I think that's from the pet." Oh really? And how many wild pigs did they have, exactly??!
There was a full bath on the second floor. More ugly vinyl flooring and 30-year-old fixtures. The toilet lid was down...and as far as I was concerned, it was staying that way.
The final bedroom was a home office. How did I know that? Because there was an ugly desk and rusty file cabinet in there. "Oh yeah, they left a few things behind when they moved out." What the fuck did these people do, move out in the middle of the night? What was the hurry? Are they wanted by the feds??
At this point, I wanted to get the hell out of that pit like you wouldn't believe. But the agent planted himself in front of the door and started in on the hard sell. "So what do you think?" What do I think? I think I'm about to become violently ill if you don't step off right now!! "What do you mean? Sure it needs a little TLC, but that's part of it's charm," he said. What it needs is a few sticks of dynamite. This is the ugliest fucking townhouse I've ever seen! "Oh!!!" said the agent. "Townhouse?? I thought you said BROWN house!!"
So to make a long story short, my search for a new crib continues.....