1/18/2006

Screw Geese!

I've never had a problem with geese until two years ago. That's when I took my current job as a computer programmer.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Dyck, what the fuck do computers have to do with geese?!" Well I'm glad you asked. Allow me to excrete myself.

The office where I work is across the street from a fake lake. I call it a "fake lake" because it isn't a product of nature. Instead, some jackass real estate developer thought it would be a nifty idea to dig a giant hole between a bunch of office buildings, and then fill that hole with a million gallons of putrid, stagnant water. Then for extra fun, the jackass developer decided to pave a pedestrian walkway around this cesspool for the neighborhood cube dwellers to use during their lunch breaks. I occasionally take advantage of this feature when weather permits.

Problem is, the jackass developer also decided it would be a nice touch to air drop a few dozen geese on the fake lake to give it a touch of authenticity. Now geese may look pretty, but I am convinced they are the filthiest, meanest, loudest creatures ever to walk this earth. First off, they honk constantly. HONK, HONK, HONK, HONK, HONK. And no, it's not cute. Quacking is cute. Honking is rude and obnoxious.

Secondly, they shit all over the paved walkway. They have all this open land available to them, in addition to the lake itself, yet these bastards feel the need to deposit their nasty green goose turds in the one place that's supposed to be off limits. A coincidence?? I think not.

Thirdly, when these asshole geese aren't using the walkway as their personal toilet, they like to congregate on the pedestrian walkway and prevent people from passing. And God help you if you try to get around one of these things. Have you ever been chased and hissed at by an angry goose? Trust me, it ain't pretty.

Today I got into a shouting match with one of these bullies. Here's how it went down:

Goose: HONK!
Dyck: Fuck off.
Goose: HONK HONK!
Dyck: Honk this, motherfucker.
Goose: HONK!
Dyck: Get lost, you filthy turd-dropping bastard! Ducks rule!!
Goose: HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Dyck: Oooh, scary!! Didja spring a leak, dumbass?!!

At that point, it got really ugly. I'll spare you the details, but it gave me flashbacks of my unpleasant exchange years ago with TV's Dick Clark. And let's just say I don't think that goose will be bothering anyone again...





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