1/22/2006

Don't be a sports car pussy!

Picture this. You're driving on a four-lane road (that's two lanes for each direction). You're coming up on a stop light. Each lane already has one vehicle waiting. In the right lane, you have a 70's-era rusty pickup truck filled with the contents of a small forest; in the left lane, you have a late model Porsche, red in color. The Porsche appears to be driven by a white male in his 20's; the pickup truck appears to be driven by Moses. You're in a hurry and wish to get behind the vehicle that's more likely to go the fastest. Which lane do you choose???

A) The right lane containing the rolling heap of scrap metal and rotting wood.
2) The left lane containing an expensive, high-performance sports car.


If you answered 2, you are incorrect...at least in my world. I would've made the same mistake, if it weren't for my recent experience.

Yesterday I encountered the very scenario described above after returning from my weekly pilgrimage to Dyck-Mart for groceries and prophylactics. I had a back seat full of frozen burritos and pudding pops, so I was in a hurry. Naturally, I chose to align myself behind the Porsche, thinking I'd be at home masturbating before grandpa even finds the accelerator on his oxidizing eyesore. So I pass the time at the stoplight trying to find a local radio station that isn't playing Elton John. Finally, the light turns green, and we're off. Except we're not.

In the right lane, Moses hits the gas and takes off from the intersection like a bat out of hell, leaving behind him a trail of twigs and branches from his unsecured load. He's well on his way. In the left lane, James Dean takes about 10 seconds to react, then slowly eases off the brake and gently starts to accelerate. He never even comes close to the speed limit. WHAT THE FUCK, YOU MORON?! YOU'RE DRIVING A FUCKING PORSCHE!! ACT LIKE IT!!!

In all truth, I should have known, for this wasn't the first time I encountered such reverse logic at intersections. My point is this: If you're going to piss away that much money on a status symbol like a Porsche, the least you could do is drive it the way God intended. Don't fucking drive like grandma going to the bingo parlor during a blizzard. Prove yourself worthy of such a vehicle and GET YOUR ASS DOWN THE ROAD. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR??!!

Thank you for listening.

8 comments:

Little Lamb said...

You're welcome, but I didn't hear a word you said. Could you please repeat that story?

RevRee said...

Was the dude driving the Porsche hot?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev, no, but he had a protruding bulge.

Jodi said...

I got lost after reading frozen burritos, pudding pops and Elton John.

minwah said...

I had the same crap happen with some 80 year old man driving a convertible red camero yesterday.

I was tailgating a bit - of course some moron doing 20 (no lie) in a 35 would make you tailgate, wouldn't it?? So the bastard actually PULLS OVER TO THE CURB AND LETS ME PASS, and waves and smiles as I go by. At that point I see he's 80 FREAKING YEARS OLD - and a light bulb goes on.

WTF??!!! I'm young and hip and don't have a camero.....

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Good point, Minwah darling.

Note to old people: You are not allowed to drive sports cars. Stick with Lincolns, Cadillacs, and Oldsmobiles.

John said...

Hi, ##NAME##, been doing your blog long? Looks pretty interesting stuff to me, although it is not quite whaty I was looking for. Good luck, and have a good day, John ##LINK##

sports said...

Brand new imported luxury cars are very expensive so many buyers are turning to used luxury sports cars as an alternative. Although pre-owned, many buyers still wish to buy them to be part of their collections. Others purchase these used imported luxury cars to lift their public images and add class and prestige when driving. Exotic Sports Cars http://exotic-sports-cars-super.blogspot.com .