1/29/2006

Please Help Me

My doctor has informed me that I suffer from the following conditions, diseases, and/or disorders:

  • I have high cholesterol.
  • I have high blood pressure.
  • I have low calcium, iron, zinc, potassium, magnesium, and plutonium.
  • I have no spleen.
  • I suffer from projectile vomiting, erectile dysfunction, and infantile genetalia.
  • I have juvenile diabetes.
  • I have adolescent diabetes.
  • I have geriatric diabetes.
  • I have Tourette's syndrome, you fucking bastards.
  • I have a kidney stone the size of a gall stone and a gall stone the size of a kidney stone.
  • My ears bleed constantly.
  • I have a deviated septum.
  • I suffer from Compulsive Deficit Disorder (CDD).
  • I have hair cancer.
  • I am a schizophrenic manic depressive with multiple personality disorder.
  • I have six toes on one foot.
  • I have two feet on one leg.
  • I have one leg.
  • I have Alzheimer's disease.
  • I am allergic to saliva.
  • A am anorexic, dyslexic, bulemic, and hypoglycemic.
  • I have a monkey wrench lodged in my colon.
  • I have Alzheimer's disease.
  • I have blood in my urine, urine in my feces, and feces in my snot.
  • I have a slipped disc.
  • My brake pads are worn.
  • I have Alzheimer's disease.
  • I am a walking heart attack, a ticking time bomb, and a leaking water balloon.

In addition to all of this, I have three diseases which don't even have names yet. One of them will be named after me. The other two are up for grabs.

Have a nice day!

1/25/2006

Coming this fall: The MD!!!

It was announced yesterday that the struggling WB and UPN networks will be merging into something called "The CW." Don't worry, their programs will continue to suck. Only now, they will all suck together in one convenient location on your dial. And I predict we'll soon be hearing about a very special "Celebrity Smackdown" involving the cast of "Gilmore Girls" and "Everybody Fucks Chris"...or whatever it's called.

The merging of these networks means some TV stations will lose their affiliate status and become independents. That's pretty much the kiss of death. Consequently, many of my colleagues in the broadcasting industry are concerned about how this might affect their pathetic little careers. But where others see trouble, Dyckerson sees opportunity!

Think of it! We'll have all these TV stations with suddenly no network programming to air. They'll be desperate for something - anything - to fill those time slots. And they'll need a brand - a catchy name and logo that they can plaster on t-shirts and tote bags to identify themselves. That's where I come in. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...........




That's right, it's The MD! And it will change the way you think about television forever!!

See, I've already got a name and a logo. That's half the battle right there. Now all I have to do is come up with a few crappy shows and a means of distribution. Now the shows will be easy. I already have a camcorder, and I can edit on my laptop with my bootleg copy of Adobe Premiere. The first show will be a ripoff of "The Apprentice"...only this will be called "The Moderator." Each week I'll videotape myself banning someone from my message board. And that's just one idea! I got millions of 'em!!

Now comes distribution. I gotta get the shows to the stations. The big boys use satellite, but that's a little pricey to me. Besides, all the shows will be in the form of .avi files on my computer. So I'm thinking of using file sharing software like Kazaa or Bittorrent. And to keep others from downloading my shows, I'll give the files code names that only the affiliates will know. Piece o' cake!!

And for all my efforts, each of my affiliates will pay me a fee of $50,000 a year! Surely this is a mere drop in the bucket compared to what the other networks charge! I can just see the $$$ rolling in now!

So come on, everybody! Join the MD bandwagon today!!!!

1/23/2006

New Shit in the Sidebar!

New Feature #1: A new blog has joined the Mighty Blog Network! This blog is called Absolute Absurdity and it's authored by a Dyck enthusiast who calls herself Jodi. Why she calls herself that is anyone's guess. Once you get past the gay pink color scheme, it's a pretty entertaining read...as blogs go. I give it two Dycks up.

New Feature #2: I've been playing around a bit with animated gif's. My first project is the animated Mighty Blog Network (MBN) logo you see on the left. MBN affiliates are welcome to use this logo on their blogs instead of the stationary one.

New Feature #3: A chat box now appears near the bottom of the sidebar! You may utilize this chat box to leave rude, insulting, non-post specific messages to myself or each other. To help defray the enormous expense of this exciting feature, all I ask is that you pledge a donation of $1.00 for each message you leave in the chat box. Thank you, and enjoy!

1/22/2006

Don't be a sports car pussy!

Picture this. You're driving on a four-lane road (that's two lanes for each direction). You're coming up on a stop light. Each lane already has one vehicle waiting. In the right lane, you have a 70's-era rusty pickup truck filled with the contents of a small forest; in the left lane, you have a late model Porsche, red in color. The Porsche appears to be driven by a white male in his 20's; the pickup truck appears to be driven by Moses. You're in a hurry and wish to get behind the vehicle that's more likely to go the fastest. Which lane do you choose???

A) The right lane containing the rolling heap of scrap metal and rotting wood.
2) The left lane containing an expensive, high-performance sports car.


If you answered 2, you are incorrect...at least in my world. I would've made the same mistake, if it weren't for my recent experience.

Yesterday I encountered the very scenario described above after returning from my weekly pilgrimage to Dyck-Mart for groceries and prophylactics. I had a back seat full of frozen burritos and pudding pops, so I was in a hurry. Naturally, I chose to align myself behind the Porsche, thinking I'd be at home masturbating before grandpa even finds the accelerator on his oxidizing eyesore. So I pass the time at the stoplight trying to find a local radio station that isn't playing Elton John. Finally, the light turns green, and we're off. Except we're not.

In the right lane, Moses hits the gas and takes off from the intersection like a bat out of hell, leaving behind him a trail of twigs and branches from his unsecured load. He's well on his way. In the left lane, James Dean takes about 10 seconds to react, then slowly eases off the brake and gently starts to accelerate. He never even comes close to the speed limit. WHAT THE FUCK, YOU MORON?! YOU'RE DRIVING A FUCKING PORSCHE!! ACT LIKE IT!!!

In all truth, I should have known, for this wasn't the first time I encountered such reverse logic at intersections. My point is this: If you're going to piss away that much money on a status symbol like a Porsche, the least you could do is drive it the way God intended. Don't fucking drive like grandma going to the bingo parlor during a blizzard. Prove yourself worthy of such a vehicle and GET YOUR ASS DOWN THE ROAD. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR??!!

Thank you for listening.

1/20/2006

OK, who's responsible?!!

Dyckerson is not amused. One of you neanderthals has slandered my good name, and I want to know who it was.

Today I took it upon myself to google myself. I like to keep track of all the Dyckerson mentions on the Internets. The current total stands at around 1,300...mostly from my work on MBN, Dyckersonville, and Medialine. But one of the hits stood out, and it's from a site called bitterwaitress.com. This is the site where people who claim to be restaurant waitstaff can rat out lousy tippers.

Well somebody apparently decided it would be cute to add the Dyckerson name to their database. See for yourself right here. Ha, ha, ha. It is to laugh. Yes, I am from Richmond, but that's where the truth ends. I have never in my life spent $72 at a place called the "White Swallow Bath House & Bar." True, I have been known to entertain clients there on rare occasions. But the bill has always been over $100. And I always leave at least 7% gratuity for good service.

So which one of you fuckers did it? I know it was one of you. Perhaps a jealous mistress ..... Traffic Goddess? Husho?? Or perhaps it was the work of the bitter, de-moderated ECP. Or maybe it was somebody who spends a lot of time online ..... someone whom I'd least suspect .....




1/18/2006

Screw Geese!

I've never had a problem with geese until two years ago. That's when I took my current job as a computer programmer.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Dyck, what the fuck do computers have to do with geese?!" Well I'm glad you asked. Allow me to excrete myself.

The office where I work is across the street from a fake lake. I call it a "fake lake" because it isn't a product of nature. Instead, some jackass real estate developer thought it would be a nifty idea to dig a giant hole between a bunch of office buildings, and then fill that hole with a million gallons of putrid, stagnant water. Then for extra fun, the jackass developer decided to pave a pedestrian walkway around this cesspool for the neighborhood cube dwellers to use during their lunch breaks. I occasionally take advantage of this feature when weather permits.

Problem is, the jackass developer also decided it would be a nice touch to air drop a few dozen geese on the fake lake to give it a touch of authenticity. Now geese may look pretty, but I am convinced they are the filthiest, meanest, loudest creatures ever to walk this earth. First off, they honk constantly. HONK, HONK, HONK, HONK, HONK. And no, it's not cute. Quacking is cute. Honking is rude and obnoxious.

Secondly, they shit all over the paved walkway. They have all this open land available to them, in addition to the lake itself, yet these bastards feel the need to deposit their nasty green goose turds in the one place that's supposed to be off limits. A coincidence?? I think not.

Thirdly, when these asshole geese aren't using the walkway as their personal toilet, they like to congregate on the pedestrian walkway and prevent people from passing. And God help you if you try to get around one of these things. Have you ever been chased and hissed at by an angry goose? Trust me, it ain't pretty.

Today I got into a shouting match with one of these bullies. Here's how it went down:

Goose: HONK!
Dyck: Fuck off.
Goose: HONK HONK!
Dyck: Honk this, motherfucker.
Goose: HONK!
Dyck: Get lost, you filthy turd-dropping bastard! Ducks rule!!
Goose: HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Dyck: Oooh, scary!! Didja spring a leak, dumbass?!!

At that point, it got really ugly. I'll spare you the details, but it gave me flashbacks of my unpleasant exchange years ago with TV's Dick Clark. And let's just say I don't think that goose will be bothering anyone again...





Screw Geese!

I've never had a problem with geese until two years ago. That's when I took my current job as a computer programmer.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Dyck, what the fuck do computers have to do with geese?!" Well I'm glad you asked. Allow me to excrete myself.

The office where I work is across the street from a fake lake. I call it a "fake lake" because it isn't a product of nature. Instead, some jackass real estate developer thought it would be a nifty idea to dig a giant hole between a bunch of office buildings, and then fill that hole with a million gallons of putrid, stagnant water. Then for extra fun, the jackass developer decided to pave a pedestrian walkway around this cesspool for the neighborhood cube dwellers to use during their lunch breaks. I occasionally take advantage of this feature when weather permits.

Problem is, the jackass developer also decided it would be a nice touch to air drop a few dozen geese on the fake lake to give it a touch of authenticity. Now geese may look pretty, but I am convinced they are the filthiest, meanest, loudest creatures ever to walk this earth. First off, they honk constantly. HONK, HONK, HONK, HONK, HONK. And no, it's not cute. Quacking is cute. Honking is rude and obnoxious.

Secondly, they shit all over the paved walkway. They have all this open land available to them, in addition to the lake itself, yet these bastards feel the need to deposit their nasty green goose turds in the one place that's supposed to be off limits. A coincidence?? I think not.

Thirdly, when these asshole geese aren't using the walkway as their personal toilet, they like to congregate on the pedestrian walkway and prevent people from passing. And God help you if you try to get around one of these things. Have you ever been chased and hissed at by an angry goose? Trust me, it ain't pretty.

Today I got into a shouting match with one of these bullies. Here's how it went down:

Goose: HONK!
Dyck: Fuck off.
Goose: HONK HONK!
Dyck: Honk this, motherfucker.
Goose: HONK!
Dyck: Get lost, you filthy turd-dropping bastard! Ducks rule!!
Goose: HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Dyck: Oooh, scary!! Didja spring a leak, dumbass?!!

At that point, it got really ugly. I'll spare you the details, but it gave me flashbacks of my unpleasant exchange years ago with TV's Dick Clark. And let's just say I don't think that goose will be bothering anyone again...





1/15/2006

Welcome to The Mighty Blog!!!

As reported in the last issue of Blog Fancy magazine...

The DyckerBlog Network (DBN) has been acquired by MBN Properties, owner of The Mighty Blog Network, for an estimated $32 million. Mighty Dyckerson will act as CEO of the new entity, thereby retaining full creative control of the blog and its contents.

As part of the deal, all DBN affiliates will be required to replace the DBN logo with the MBN logo in the sidebars of their blogs.* In addition, DBN affiliates will need to update their DyckerBlog hyperlinks to point to The Mighty Blog. If you are a DBN affiliate, please make these changes immediately, as the redirect link on the old blog will only be active for a limited time. And if you are not a DBN affiliate.....then why the fuck aren't you, you stupid sack of shit??!

*If you're linking to the DBN logo in my Comcast folder, you don't need to change your image tag.

Makeover Coming!

You heard me, pedro. I'm shaking things up here on DyckerBlog. We're talking new colors, new fonts, new banner...the whole enchilada. Of course, the one thing that won't change is my dedication to educational, informative, and entertaining posts of the highest quality.

So stay tuned for the new look premiering soon! This is going to be huge, people! HUGE!!!!

1/13/2006

More Fun with Spammers!

I'm in the process of trying to unload some crap on CraigsList. Haven't had many serious inquiries, but today I received this lovely helping of spam in my inbox:

From: jerry pretty (jerrypretty223@gmail.com)

Hi and how are you doing??

I came across your above item at craigslist and i am interested in purchasing it from you with all pleasure. But before i go any step further, I would like to know from you if the item is still available for sale and if it is still in perfect working condition, and also if all the accessories (with the product specifications) are still intact, If all this is ok, then i am willing to make an immediate purchase of the item and i don't mind adding a little money to the 'above quoted price' to beat all possible offers. To set the transaction in motion, i will send you a money order for the payment through USPS and once that is through, the next step is to arrange for the item pick up from you via a courrier service and send you the destination info 'cos I ain't staying around the Webster area but i am interested to buy it from you like that so if you are willing to transact with me, simply forward your full name, address, zipcode to which the payment will be mailed out to.

Get back to me urgently on this matter.

Best Regards.



Of course, I could let ol' Jerry down, so I sent him this reply:

Greetings Mr. Pretty!

I am doing well and thanks for asking and I hope you are the same.

The item is indeed still for sale and in perfect working order and all of the accessories are included. You seem like a man who knows how to do business and I look forward to transacting you with all pleasure. Please send your payment without delay to this address:

Barry Handsome
7800 Beverly Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90038

On a side note, I don't blame you for wanting to get out of Webster. I done gone there a few years ago, and I ain't never wanting to go back! That whole place is overrun with internet spammers! You can't trust anyone these days!

Thank you so much and have a pleasurable day.

1/12/2006

My New Career

I want to be a dick. That's right, you heard me. Allow me to explain.

Lately I've been chatting with my dear friend Minwah. We're both bored with our careers and thirsty for a new challenge, so we decided we would start our own business together. Only problem was, we couldn't agree on what to do. She wants to open a group home for Internet child predators called "Minwah's Place." But I'm afraid we'll have trouble with local zoning laws.

Then it hit me like a stack of frozen waffles on a cold winter morn. I want to be a private dick! I want to track down deadbeat dads. I want to chase cheating spouses (or is that spice?). I want to help bastard children find their biological parents. I want to cruise the city in a beat-up '70s era sedan, making my own rules and eating convenience store burritos. It's the job I was born to do!!!

I even have the perfect name for my firm: "Private Dyck's Investigative Services"! ECP, maybe you could come up with a logo and print us some business cards. You're good at useless shit like that. And RevRee, you can answer the phones and keep the pot full of java.

I'm so excited, I can hardly contain myself!!!!

1/09/2006

PoliceHub Boycott

Dyckerson Enterprises has been flooded with emails, calls, and letters asking about my prolonged absence from Mighty Dyckerson's PoliceHub. For those of you who've been living in a spiderhole for the last ten years, Mighty Dyckerson's PoliceHub is a cop message board where I used to occasionally share my wit and wisdom. I was worshipped and adored by literally dozens of people.

Well that all came to an end a couple of months ago, when I became the victim of a cruel hoax. This dastardly deed was orchestrated by one Traffic Goddess, who serves as administrator of that board. Seems she thought it would be funny to encrypt all the posts into binary code. Ha, ha, ha. Look, zeros and ones everywhere! Funny stuff! Well, Dyckerson is not amused. What if one of my online associates was trying to convey an important message to me?! Vital information would be lost amongst all that garbage! Lives could be lost!! Then who would be laughing? Huh????

After a thorough investigation, I was able to beat a confession out of TG. I was ready to walk right then and there. But she admitted the error of her ways and begged for my forgiveness. It wasn't a pretty sight. Out of pity, I finally agreed to return to the message board.

Things were fine for a while after that...until one day I attempt to visit the Hub from home to dispense my daily dose of philosophy, and I am greeted with an obviously fake Internet Explorer error message telling me the page could not be found. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Nice try, but Dyckerson will not be fooled again. The next day, I tried to access PoliceHub from my work computer. Same thing. Coincidence??? I think not. None of my associates were having trouble accessing the site.

A week or two goes by, and the wireless internet router in my house got reset due to a power outage or some shit. That means I got a new IP address. Armed with this knowledge, I decided to check out PoliceHub out of curiosity. And sure enough, I was back in. What does this mean??? Obviously, Traffic Goddess or one of her minions used some sort of malicious software to infect my computer and block my old IP addresses from the site. (I suspect it was LakerieDog. It's no secret that she was bitter and jealous of my enormous popularity.) In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she has my whole estate under 24-hour surveillance, monitoring my every move. Of course, she denies any wrongdoing. Well TG, you picked the wrong Dyckerson to mess around with. You see, I happen to know a thing or two about programming...including UBB code and several HTML tags...and I could do serious damage to her infrastructure if I chose to. But I would never do such a thing. Instead, I have chosen to deprive PoliceHub of my knowledge and humor by refusing to post on the message board.

Subsequent to this turn of events, I have made several attempts to contact Traffic Goddess. I feel it is important that we maintain a level of civility for the sake of our three children. But I have been snubbed time and time again. She doesn't respond to my blog. She doesn't participate in Dyckersonville discussions. And frankly, I am hurt. But as you all know, I am a Dyckerson of peace and love. So if she is willing to crawl to me on her hands and knees and apologize, I may consider returning to the message board. The ball is in her court.

So that's the story. I encourage all of you to join in my boycotting of Mighty Dyckerson's PoliceHub. And thank you for your support.

1/07/2006

Writer's Block

First, my apologies for the lack of updates this week. Dyckerson has been doing some part-time work in the evenings, and it has taken time away from his blogging duties. I can't really discuss the details of this job for fear that it may reveal my true identity. You don't like it? GO FUCK YOURSELF!

OK, I'll be honest. I do have a part-time job, but that's not the real reason I haven't posted lately. I actually have a bad case of writer's block. I just can't think of anything Dyckerson-worthy to write about. And I'm not going to write about anything stupid, like a restaurant waiter who looks like Fabio...or a pussy-whipped 5-year-old kid...or my sleeping habits...or animated lamb avatars...or an obsession with being a moderator of Dyckersonville. No, I actually have standards. I prefer quality over quantity.

There is one thing. For the last couple of days, I've had some sort of stomach bug. We're talking massive amounts of diarrhea here. In fact, I bet I've lost several pounds due to shit lossage. And man, is my ass sore from all the wiping! I'm seriously considering purchasing one of these:

Anyway, that's all I got.