12/31/2005

Memories Of Another Dick

I remember when I first met Dick Clark. The year was 1984, and I had just moved to California. I was living in lean-to up in Laurel Canyon doing bit parts in soap operas and waiting tables at night. I had just landed a guest shot on "The Love Boat" when I got the call from the Pyramid folks. Nipsey Russell had cancelled at the last minute, and they were desperate for a celebrity guest to replace him. Naturally, I obliged.

So I'm at the studio, and we're doing show number 17, I believe. Back in those days, they taped like 50 shows a day to accomodate Mr. Clark's busy schedule. My partner is a Mr. Herbert McFartstein of Trenton, NJ, and we're playing against the lovely Adrienne Barbeau and her partner. Now I don't want to be a gossip, but it's no secret that when Adrienne Barbeau loses at Pyramid, she takes it very personally. I remember during one round, she got a "cuckoo" for using a prepositional phrase in a clue. She jumped out of her bright orange chair, stormed up to the producer, and bitch-slapped him in front of the entire audience. Talk about awkward! But I digress.

Anyway, we're playing the game and my partner and I make it to the Winner's Circle. Six categories in 60 seconds - you know the routine. So the clock is ticking down and everything is going great. We get to the top category with 20 seconds left. Piece o' cake. So they flip over the last category, and it's "Things You Suck." Now I give what I think is a perfectly acceptable clue, and seconds later, I get the dreaded "cuckoo." Everything stops and the lights come up.

Then Dick Clark emerges from his offstage perch and starts shaking his finger at me with that ice-cold stare of his. Taking my cue from Ms. Barbeau, I leap out of my bright orange chair and scream, "WHAT THE FUCK??" Now remember, this was show number 17 of a 50-show tape-a-thon, so even Dick himself was getting a little punchy at this point. I continue: "YOU DIPSHIT MOTHERFUCKER, I'M GONNA SHOVE THAT CUCKOO UP YOUR WRINKLED ASS!!" Now Dick speaks up: "PUT A SOCK IN IT, BITCH, OR YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS GODDAM TOWN AGAIN!" That was it. I climb out of the Winner's Circle, grab Dick by the head, and yell "SALUTE THIS, ASSHOLE!!" ... then I ram his head into the giant pyramid, smashing several decorative light bulbs in the process. He kicks me in the crotch, and I start to go down. But I grab his legs and drag him down with me. We go at it for several more minutes until security comes over and breaks us up. We stop taping for a half hour while stagehands mop the blood off the floor. We finish the rest of the game, but needless to say, I was never invited back to the show.

But the story has a happy ending. Years later, I run into Dick Clark at some awards show. He was hosting, and I was presenting. We're standing backstage. He turns to me...I turn to him...and we embrace. Ever since then, we've been best friends.

Next week, I'll reveal how I beat the snot out of Allen Ludden on Password Plus!! Happy New Year, everybody!!!!


About Dick Clark:
Dick Clark is a television icon. America's oldest teenager. Host of "American Bandstand," "The $10,000 Pyramid," "The $20,000 Pyramid," "The $25,000 Pyramid," "The $100,000 Pyramid," "The $125,000 Pyramid," "The $212,350 Pyramid," and most recently, a remake of "The $10,000 Pyramid." He also hosted and/or produced countless awards shows and programs, including The Golden Globes, The Daytime Emmys, "American Dreams," "American Bandstand Dreams," and "The $50,000 American Pyramid Dreams."

9 comments:

RevRee said...

Was it just me or was ole Dick drunk? He kept sluring his words...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I noticed that. I thought I heard a few racial slurs as well...

minwah said...

It was that stroke he had, I bet.

RainStorm1212 said...

Min, you're right. He had a stroke last year. I used to watch all the game shows he hosted.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

So who stroked him?

Little Lamb said...

Dyckie, you were worried no one would post.

east coast producer said...

Can we get some new content on this shitty blog please?

Loser.

Little Lamb said...

east coaxt producer, maybe if you ask nicely. Let me try.

Update your blog. IMMRDIATELY!!!!! if not sooner. Now would be a good tine.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ECP, look who's talking! Your Anti-Dyck blog hasn't been updated in over a month!