12/31/2005

Memories Of Another Dick

I remember when I first met Dick Clark. The year was 1984, and I had just moved to California. I was living in lean-to up in Laurel Canyon doing bit parts in soap operas and waiting tables at night. I had just landed a guest shot on "The Love Boat" when I got the call from the Pyramid folks. Nipsey Russell had cancelled at the last minute, and they were desperate for a celebrity guest to replace him. Naturally, I obliged.

So I'm at the studio, and we're doing show number 17, I believe. Back in those days, they taped like 50 shows a day to accomodate Mr. Clark's busy schedule. My partner is a Mr. Herbert McFartstein of Trenton, NJ, and we're playing against the lovely Adrienne Barbeau and her partner. Now I don't want to be a gossip, but it's no secret that when Adrienne Barbeau loses at Pyramid, she takes it very personally. I remember during one round, she got a "cuckoo" for using a prepositional phrase in a clue. She jumped out of her bright orange chair, stormed up to the producer, and bitch-slapped him in front of the entire audience. Talk about awkward! But I digress.

Anyway, we're playing the game and my partner and I make it to the Winner's Circle. Six categories in 60 seconds - you know the routine. So the clock is ticking down and everything is going great. We get to the top category with 20 seconds left. Piece o' cake. So they flip over the last category, and it's "Things You Suck." Now I give what I think is a perfectly acceptable clue, and seconds later, I get the dreaded "cuckoo." Everything stops and the lights come up.

Then Dick Clark emerges from his offstage perch and starts shaking his finger at me with that ice-cold stare of his. Taking my cue from Ms. Barbeau, I leap out of my bright orange chair and scream, "WHAT THE FUCK??" Now remember, this was show number 17 of a 50-show tape-a-thon, so even Dick himself was getting a little punchy at this point. I continue: "YOU DIPSHIT MOTHERFUCKER, I'M GONNA SHOVE THAT CUCKOO UP YOUR WRINKLED ASS!!" Now Dick speaks up: "PUT A SOCK IN IT, BITCH, OR YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS GODDAM TOWN AGAIN!" That was it. I climb out of the Winner's Circle, grab Dick by the head, and yell "SALUTE THIS, ASSHOLE!!" ... then I ram his head into the giant pyramid, smashing several decorative light bulbs in the process. He kicks me in the crotch, and I start to go down. But I grab his legs and drag him down with me. We go at it for several more minutes until security comes over and breaks us up. We stop taping for a half hour while stagehands mop the blood off the floor. We finish the rest of the game, but needless to say, I was never invited back to the show.

But the story has a happy ending. Years later, I run into Dick Clark at some awards show. He was hosting, and I was presenting. We're standing backstage. He turns to me...I turn to him...and we embrace. Ever since then, we've been best friends.

Next week, I'll reveal how I beat the snot out of Allen Ludden on Password Plus!! Happy New Year, everybody!!!!


About Dick Clark:
Dick Clark is a television icon. America's oldest teenager. Host of "American Bandstand," "The $10,000 Pyramid," "The $20,000 Pyramid," "The $25,000 Pyramid," "The $100,000 Pyramid," "The $125,000 Pyramid," "The $212,350 Pyramid," and most recently, a remake of "The $10,000 Pyramid." He also hosted and/or produced countless awards shows and programs, including The Golden Globes, The Daytime Emmys, "American Dreams," "American Bandstand Dreams," and "The $50,000 American Pyramid Dreams."

12/29/2005

First Annual Mighty Dyckerson Fan Club Convention

We are now in the final stages of planning for the First Annual Mighty Dyckerson Fan Club Convention! Time is running out, so if you haven't already made your reservations, you better hurry!! Many of you have emailed me with questions about the upcoming event, so I've addressed them below (in the popular "FAQ" format):


Q: Where will the First Annual MDFCC take place?

A: We'll be meeting at the fabulous Glancy Motor Hotel off route 66 in Clinton, Oklahoma - home of the world's largest ball of lint!


Q: When will the First Annual MDFCC take place?

A: The event is scheduled for March 9 - March 11, 2012. I know that's a long way off, but we had to book the dates early to get the rooms we wanted.


Q: How much does it cost?

A: One thousand dollars. That includes two nights of lodging, continental breakfast, and souvenir t-shirt that reads, "I May Be Big, But You're Ugly, And I Can Lose Weight."


Q: There is a possibility that I may die before the convention. Is the cost refundable?

A: We're all gonna go sometime. No refunds. Suck it up.


Q: Can you give me directions to Glancy's Motor Hotel?

A: Look on Mapquest, you lazy sack of shit.


Q: Will there be accomodations for people with special needs?

A: What are you talking about? Cripples? I don't know if Glancy's has a ramp, so if you need one, better bring a hunk of plywood and a couple of 2 x 4's. If you're retarded, don't worry. You should fit right in.


Q: What kind of activities can I look forward to?

A: I think one guy is bringing a keg and a deck of cards. I'm still trying to line up the whores.


Q: Will I get to meet Mighty Dyckerson?

A: No, Dyckerson will not be in attendance. This is strictly a gathering of fans. However, you will have a chance to have your picture taken with a guy who used to live next door to Dyckerson's third grade teacher.


Q: What does the Q stand for?

A: Shut the fuck up, butthead.


I hope I've answered all your questions! Looking forward to seeing you there!!

12/26/2005

Christmas '05

OK, it's over. Today I have taken time to reflect on this year's Christmas and what it has meant to me. To me, it is about me getting presents. Fuck everything else. Now some of the presents I received were great. But others sucked major Christmas balls. Here's the list:


Let's break it down, shall we??? First, the good presents. cash is always good. Two separate cash prizes were awarded this year. One by Mother Dyckerson and one by Father Dyckerson. Note that Father Dyckerson gave twice as much as Mother Dyckerson; therefore, I love Father Dyckerson best. I also received a gift card to Circuit City, which is almost as good as cash. So kudos to Brother Dyckerson for that one. Rounding out the GOOD list is some Jeep paraphernalia and a green fleece zip-up vest thingy. Useful, practical items.

Now for the bad presents. Topping the list is a loud plaid shirt given to me by Father Dyckerson, who has absolutely no fashion sense. I don't mind plaid if it's done right, but big fat red and blue stripes just aren't my thing. But I'll cut the old man some slack for including a gift receipt in the box. Next on the list is probably the absolute worst gift I have ever received, and I have Mother Dyckerson to thank for it: a black size 3X t-shirt with the witty slogan, "I may be big, but you're ugly, and I can lose weight." Brother Dyckerson received an identical shirt, and neither one of us are NEAR a size 3X. We just looked at each other like, "What the fuck??!" I really don't think my mom gets the joke, if you can even call it that. I mean, the shirt is supposed to be worn by fat people, right? Now I could stand to lose five or 10 pounds, but give me a break! Seriously, I really think Mother D. is just not all there. She also gave me this hideous lighted bobblehead dog which, compared to the novelty t-shirt, doesn't seem all that bad now. The final bad gift, the man cream assortment, isn't really that bad, and I would've put it in the GOOD list, but honestly I'll never use it. Nor can I return it, because I have no idea where the fuck it came from. So the best I can do is regift the thing.

So there you have it. All in all, not a bad year for receiving. But if any of you want a tacky t-shirt or an illuminated bobblehead, I can let you have 'em real cheap.

12/23/2005

Tagged?

Apparently I've been "tagged" by Raino. I'm not quite sure what this means. I was hoping for some sort of rough physical contact with a woman of the opposite sex, but apparently that's not the case. Instead, I am expected to answer a series of dumbass questions written by someone I've never met. And seeing as I am Dyckerson, my answers are expected to be clever and witty. My work is never done...


You get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?
For hunger on earth and an end to world peace.

Wish for 6 more wishes:
1. That Rain could play her guitar better. (I live next door and the racket is driving me crazy.)
2. That someone would invent an upside down Christmas tree.
3. That my upstairs neighbors would die.
4. That I could steal Minwah's billion dollars.
5. That Lambo would stop jumping rope with my penis.
6. That I could get back the time I've wasted answering these stupid questions.

What animal would you be?
A supermodel's pet poodle. Then I could sit in her lap and lick her anytime without getting slapped.

Something you want to do in your life.
Play "Plinko" on The Price is Right.

One song you could listen to over and over again.
Theme from "Maude".

Coke or Pepsi?
Pepsi.

Something you currently desire.
Pepsi.

One good deed you've done lately.
I didn't give the finger to the asshole who cut me off yesterday.

A funny moment in your life.
Last Tuesday, 9:37pm.



Lambo, you've been tagged!!!

12/22/2005

Christmas Memories

During this holiday season, I am reminded of a humorous Christmas prank I once played on some unfortunate co-workers. This is based on a true story.....
One Christmas I was working for this cheapass station where I hated almost everyone. Management wasn't much better, but they did decide to give bonuses to the crew. The bonus consisted of six $5.00 gift certificates to a local restaurant we did business with (that's nearly a $30.00 value, people). The certificates were sealed in plain white envelopes and placed in everyone's in-boxes.
As it just so happened, I was one of the first ones to get the envelope. Once I discovered what it was, I snatched up several more of the envelopes from my co-workers' in-boxes and went to work on my dastardly plan. I tore open the envelopes, took out all the gift certificates, and combined them into one large pile. I then went to the supply closet and grabbed a stack of identical white envelopes to replace the torn ones. (Can you see where I'm headed with this??)
Into each envelope, I inserted a different number of gift certificates. Everybody got a different amount. The hot chick ended up with like $50.00 worth of gift certificates, while this one guy I really hated only got one $5.00 certificate. (Naturally, I got more than anyone.) So I sealed up the envelopes, returned them to my co-workers' in-boxes, and waited for the fun to begin.
Sure enough, later that day I overheard the bastard start talking to someone else. "What's the fucking deal with the lousy $5.00 gift certificate?", the bastard asked. The other guy showed him his envelope said, "Whaddaya mean? I got $25.00 worth!" Soon, another guy joined the conversation...then another...then the hot chick with the $50.00 came in. I'm absolutely dying at this point!!
Anyway, the morons never did figure out what happened. I think a couple of them actually went to the boss and complained. (that must've been a fun conversation). The bastard quit shortly thereafter (possibly for other reasons, but the stingy bonus had to help). Another guy offed himself on Christmas Eve. A suicide note was written on the back of one of the gift certificates: "See you in Hell, [name of boss], you asshole!!" Fucking HILARIOUS!!!!!
That's it. I just thought I'd share that story with you all. Beats 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, dontcha think???

12/20/2005

New Addition to the DyckerBlog Network

Congratulations to Minwah for meeting the strict requirements necessary to qualify for membership in the DyckerBlog Network! Minwah's is a humorous, thought-provoking, top-notch blog...and she's madly in love with me...so naturally I felt compelled to give her blog the Dyckerson nod of approval!

You'll find the new link in my sidebar. Use it, and use it often.

12/18/2005

The Dyckerson Family Christmas Newsletter

Well it's hard to believe another year has flown by, my friends and loved ones! And boy, has it been a busy one!!

2005 got off to a flying start in January when Mrs. Dyckerson was promoted to supervisor at Harry's House of Whores, the gentlemen's club where she has been working for the past seven years! As whore supervisor, she has a lot of responsibilities and overtime, but we've all been giving her our support!

Our precious little Dyckerson Jr. also made big news in March when he said his first word..... motherfucker! It's such a big word, Mrs. D. thinks he may be a prodigy! We're thinking of enrolling him in a one of those private nerd schools next fall!

Megan, our oldest, continues to wow us all with her talents as a saxophone player! The music teacher at school has told us on several occasions that Megan can blow like no one he's ever seen! And it's really amazing, because she's never had any lessons and doesn't even own an instrument!

As for yours truly, I completed the final draft of my second novel, "The Dyckerson Code," in May. I'm shopping for a publisher and hope to have it out next year.

This summer, we took our annual family vacation to Afghanistan. (My boss lets us use his timeshare cave every year.) Poor Megan got a bad sunburn, and Grandma Dyckerson got beheaded by terrorists, but I did manage to pick up a beautiful hand-carved vase made by the locals there! It's precious!!

A sad moment in October when Fluffy the cat passed away. Naturally, the kids were pretty traumatized. But I took their minds off it by telling them they were adopted. Works every time!

Well that's about it! Here's hoping you and yours have a very safe and blessed holiday season!!!

12/16/2005

I hate Bil Keane

Bil Keane is the creator of what has to be the dumbest, sappiest, most nauseating comic strip ever to exist. I'm talking about Family Circus. (Not to be confused with Family Circle, which is an equally crappy woman's magazine with sex quizzes and meat loaf recipes.) I hate Bil Keane, I hate Family Circus, and I hate all those fat fucking kids who never grow up. I want to stab all their fat asses with a pitchfork.

All you have to do is read one installment of this horrid piece of horse shit to understand what I'm talking about. Family Circus is about a married couple with a bunch of fat, squatty, retarded kids - none of whom seem to be aware that it is no longer 1950. At least half of the strips involve the oldest kid, imaginatively named "Billy" (gee, how'd you come up with that one, BIL??!), running around his neighborhood and trespassing on private property. You can tell where he's been by the cleverly drawn dotted line that marks his path. Brilliant shit, Mr. Keane!!

But if you're still not convinced, read the man's self-written bio on his official web site. Here are some excerpts:

"...I started cartooning in high school which I attended when I grew too tall for low school."
"...I worked at the Phila. Bulletin for 15 years where I was a staff artist. I drew staffs."
"...We moved the whole family lock, stock and barrel to Arizona. We managed the lock and stock okay, but had trouble with the barrel."

Need I say more??!

But thankfully, the genuises at www.drivenbyborden.com came to the rescue with their masterful series of Dysfunctional Family Circus cartoons! They're actual Family Circus comics with altered captions, and they are fucking hysterical! I bow to the greatness of the author(s)!! A couple of favorites:


12/15/2005

What's the deal with guys in shorts?

OK, it happened again today. It's 20 fucking degrees outside, and some bozo is outside pumping gas in a pair of goddam shorts. We've all seen these fuckwads before. Usually they're college kids, and they're wearing a long-sleeve college sweatshirt too. But this dipshit had to be in his 30s!!!

So what is it with these idiots? Am I actually supposed to believe these people are not cold?? Are they trying to impress someone??! Do they want attention??!

I can almost hear this guy saying to one of his loser friends, "Look at me, I'm a real tough guy. I don't get cold unless it's 40 below, and I don't even own a coat." YOU LYING PIECE OF SHIT!! YOU'RE FREEZING YOUR ASS OFF AND YOU GODDAM WELL KNOW IT. JESUS CHRIST ASSHOLE, YOU'RE NOT IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE! ACT YOUR AGE AND PUT ON SOME FUCKING PANTS!!!!

Fucking dipshit cocksuckers.

12/11/2005

Foot Fetish

RevRee's collection of hand photos on her blog has inspired me to share with you my collection of favorite feet photos. Enjoy...

This dude has a serious hangnail...








Check out those blisters. Don't you just wanna pop those babies???
















OUCH!! That's gotta hurt! Talk about the "agony of defeet"!! Am I right, people?!!







Looks like somebody got a little carried away with the toenail clippers!!










That's all I got. Happy holidays!

12/09/2005

An All-Star MEDIALINE FEUD Generic Holiday Special!!!


It's the holiday event of the season, and it takes place this Sunday night at 9pm EST on Medialine's Open Line forum!

For those of you who don't know how this works, I'll create a thread at precisely 9pm Sunday night. In that thread, I will post a survey question with a number of answers. You post your answers one at a time, and I'll respond.

Survey says you'll have a blast with Mighty Dyckerson's All-Star MEDIALINE FEUD Generic Holiday Special!!!

12/05/2005

Fun with Spammers

Dear Partner,

I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from paraguay. Presently i'm in Paraguay for investment projects with my own share of the total sum. Meanwhile,i didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how.

now contact my secretary in Benin his name is Mr Richard Benson on mrrichard1515@lycos.co.uk ask him to send you the total of $800.000.00 which i kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very much. so feel free and get in touched with my secretary Mr Richard and instruct him where to send the amount to you.

Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy after all the sufferness at that time. in the moment, I'm very busy here because of the investment projects which me and the new partner are having at hand, finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to the secretary on your behalf to receive that money, so feel free to get in touch with Mr Richard Benson, he will send the amount to you without any delay.


Regards,
Mr Richard Benson.

*******************************************************

Dear Friend,

I don't know what to say, except thank you! This is really super great news! It is funny that you are in Paraguay, Mr. Benson, because my wife is actually from that wonderful land. I met her when I was there on business for Governor Gene Gatling* in the early 80s. Her name is Gretchen Kraus*. Have you heard of her by any chance?

Thank you again for remembering our sufferness and sharing these funds with me, Mr. Benson. I will be sure to contact your secretary Mr. Benson without delay so that we may share this joy. Please let me know if I can ever be of assistance to you again.

Sincerely,
Mitonimous "Mighty" Dyckerson
President/CEO, Dyckerson Enterprises

* This is a character from the TV show "Benson." I doubt they'll get the reference.

*******************************************************

Hello Mr. Benson,

Our associate Mr. Benson requested that I contact you regarding a transfer of funds to my account as compensation for my past efforts. The total sum he told me is $800.000.00.

Please send me these funds without delay, as I plan to use the money to open a gentlemen's club in my community. My address is:

Mitonimous "Mighty" Dyckerson
7800 Beverly Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90036**

Thank you so much for giving me your joy and cooperation. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Mitonimous "Mighty" Dyckerson
President/CEO, Dyckerson Enterprises

**This is the address to send for tickets to "The Price is Right."

*******************************************************

Yes my boss did instruct that I send the draft to you as soon as you contact me. Please send a valid contact address where I will send the draft and any form of identification like driving license, international passport, social security or any form of valid identity and I will send the draft to you.

Feel free to contact me on +229 93 14 86 25

Richard

*******************************************************

Thank you so much, Richard!

You may make the draft payable to "Mitonimous Dyckerson" and send it to me at my business address, which is 7800 Beverly Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90036.

Unfortunately, my wallet was recently stolen, so I currently don't have any identification to offer. But I would be happy to sign a written affidavit stating that I am indeed Mitonimous Dyckerson. If this is still not agreeable, perhaps we could make other arrangements. One of my associates, Ms. Revree, is a professional male escort and can provide a full range of services for you at no cost. Or if you are not interested in women, perhaps I could take care of you myself. I would be willing to do anything necessary to obtain these funds.


Thanks again,
Dyckerson

*******************************************************

Please do what I asked you to do and I will send your draft to you without delay.

Richard

*******************************************************

Obviously you are a man of high morals and values, and I am afraid I have offended you. If this is the case, please accept my sincerest apologies. But I am still having sufferness getting the documents you requested.

So if you are not looking for companionship, perhaps you would be more interested in some adult films. I could offer you a super terrific collection of hetero titles. I also have man on man, woman on woman, man on donkey, donkey on lamb, and more. Or maybe you'd like something more exotic? I just got in a great video with fat white chicks urinating on handicapped Asian children. You name it, I probably have it.

Please contact me without delay so we can make arrangements. Thank you, and again, my sincerest apologies.

Mr. Dyckerson

*******************************************************

You are a bastard.

*******************************************************

Oh, I'm a bastard??! Excuse me, but who sent the bullshit spam to my email address? You seem to enjoy fucking with people, so I assumed you'd be into hardcore porn.


Maybe you should get a real job and stop trying to fraud people out of their money, asshole. Otherwise you'll be in prison starring in your own porn video and getting fucked up the ass.

http://dyckerblog.blogspot.com

12/04/2005

Holiday Photos

Man, I am exhausted!

I just spent half the day putting up all my Christmas decorations. Pretty festive, don't you think?









People are always stopping me on the street and saying "Dyckerson, I'd like to see a photo of the inside of your refrigerator." Well here it is!

As you can see, I keep my condiments and my 2% milk in the door. In the frig itself, you'll find my Diet Vanilla Pepsi, some water, a package of grated cheese, and some O.J. If you look carefully at the top left shelf, you'll see tonight's dinner!!

12/02/2005

Random Musings

It's been a while since I've updated, but I still don't really have anything blog-worthy to offer. So instead, I went through my files and came up with some leftover shit that I decided to combine into one nonsensical post:

One time in school, I joined a Badminton team for no other reason than to be able to say the word "shuttlecock." I felt kind of silly for doing it, but in talking to the other members after practice one day, I found out that was the only reason they joined the team too.

--------------------

I was laying on my couch the other night having cybersex with RevRee on my laptop. The TV was on in the background, but I wasn't really paying much attention to it. Some time goes by. I finish my business and start to put away Mr. Peepers, when I glance up at the TV: It's some lameass documentary, and they're talking about Andy Williams. Now I'm not too familiar with this man, but apparently he was famous for wearing sweaters and doing wholesome family Christmas specials. As I finished zipping up, it occured to me that I was probably the first guy in the history of the universe who ever jerked off with Andy Williams!!!

--------------------

The company I work for is installing a new generator over the weekend. They're shutting down the office a half hour early today so they can cut the power. I was thinking there must be something noble and grand that I could do with that extra half hour. Perhaps I could use the time to help out a local charity or visit the patients in a children's hospital. But on second thought, what the fuck? It's only 30 damn minutes. I'll just go home.

--------------------

The other day I was reminded of an incident from my wilder days as a young Dyckerson. One day, a buddy and I somehow got the bright idea to set a dumpster on fire. So we drove around and came across one that was out of the way and full of boxes and other flammables. We made several attempts to ignite it with one of those Bic lighter deals, but the flame fizzled out each time. But my buddy had a gerry can in his trunk, so we went to a nearby gas station and filled it up. Well let me tell you, that gerry can holds a lot more fuel than you think! We went back to the dumpster and started to pour the gasoline all over the crap in the dumpster, but the gas just kept coming and coming and coming. It was way too much, but we had to use it, right? So we finally emptied the can, and everything in that dumpster was absolutely soaked with stinking gasoline. Then we took a wad of dry paper from the car, lit it with the Bic lighter, and tossed it in. Still nothing. Now we were pissed, but undeterred. We went back to retrieve some more wadded up paper, and as my back was turned away from the dumpster, I suddenly felt a rush of heat. I turned around, and holy shit! The entire fucking dumpster was totally engulfed in flames shooting eight feet above it!!!! We were parked only a few feet from this thing, so we frantically jumped in the car, threw it in gear, and sped the fuck out of there. We went back later in the day to check it out, and the dumpster was still there, but the green paint on the outside of it had completely melted off. And the dumpster, which had been completely full of garbage, was now as clean as a whistle.