11/26/2005

Death Watch

I went for my physical last February. They drew blood, listened to my chest, felt my nuts, and probed my anus...and that was just in the waiting room!! But seriously, folks. Everything turned out OK, but the blood work showed I had high cholesterol. This was not surprising, as it runs in my mother's family...that fucking bitch. So the Doc told me the usual shit - "Eat right, exercise, don't smoke, and don't drink." (Well, I don't smoke and I don't drink, but thanks anyway, Copernicus.) He also prescribed something called Advicor. Then as a joke, I asked my doctor if Advicor was right for me, and he said "Shut the fuck up, asshole!"

Anyway, for the last few months, I've been taking the little beige pills and watching my diet (sometimes) and exercising (occasionally). I went back for a follow-up siphoning last week, and the results came in the mail today. My life is hanging in the balance here, and the bastards send me a cheap little post card. Couldn't even spring for a goddam envelope. There's good news and bad news. See for yourself:

Total Cholesterol: 237
Goal is less than 200. Down 28 points from February.

HDL (Good Cholesterol): 51
Goal is greater than 40. Up 11 points from February.

LDL (Bad Cholesterol): 121
Goal is less than 100. Down 31 points from February.

Triglycerides: 324
Goal is less than 200. Down 41 points from February.


The good news is, the bad numbers are down. The bad news is, they're not down enough. Especially the triglycerides. People, I don't know what the fuck else to do. Every morning I drink a cup of green tea with a Nutri-Grain bar. Lunch is a Slim-Fast bar. Afternoon snack is a piece of fruit. Water to drink throughout the day. Dinner is the only real meal I eat, and I'll admit it's not always healthy. A Diet Vanilla Pepsi with dinner. Even so, I eat salad at least 2 nights a week, and I rarely eat fried shit. My main problems are the night-time snacking (Doritos and sweets) and the lack of exercise.

People, I don't know what the fuck else to do. I work in a goddamn cube farm all day, and it's dark by fucking NOON...so it's hard to get any exercise. I go for walks during my lunch break if it's not raining or 20 below zero. I have no fucking energy at night. (I swear, sitting at a desk all day is more draining than you'd believe.) I really don't want to be on fucking pills the rest of my life, but I am at a loss as to what else to do. I'm too stingy to pay for a nutritionist, personal trainer, or any of that shit. So I turn to you, my loyal fans. What am I doing wrong? What should I be doing? What's my life expectancy if this keeps up? Give it to me straight.

35 comments:

Little Lamb said...

Stop eating doritos and sweets for a while. And stop swearing and use nice language.

the dude said...

And have lots and lots of sex. That seems to cure a lot of diseases.

east coast producer said...

Fatass.

east coast producer said...

Also - Green tea? Nutrigrain bars? Slim fast?

Fag.

RevRee said...

Instead of Nutrigrain bars and Slim fast, try having a light lunch. Maybe a salad, some yogurt or a turkey sammich and some carrot sticks.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

shut up i'm drunk

east coast producer said...

Revree, why don't you just put him out to pasture to graze?

The fatass is going to have a heart attack soon enough, why torture him in his last few days by making him eat grass?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I am not a fatass, goddammit. I have an extra pound or two, that's it. At least I have a JOB!!

Little Lamb said...

Sober up and get with it!

east coast producer said...

Note there's no denial of his raging homo- and bovine-sexuality.

Boob1 said...

Ah hell...just eat what you want,say what you want,fuck who you want (a lot) and die happy. What else is there? Anything other than that ain't living!

east coast producer said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
east coast producer said...

Brothers and Sisters of La Resistance, an important message awaits you.

http://ecproductions.blogspot.com/

! VIVA LA REVOLUCION !

WXSlave said...

You know, it's times like these when I start thinking that maybe euthanasia isn't such a bad thing.

Bunnzy said...

The best thing you can do is have a large breakfast. Cereal, Toast, Fruit... It boosts your meatbolism. Do not drink any Coke or softdrinks - or alcohol. Do not eat anything after 7pm

and have rough sex with karla - i know you want to!!!

east coast producer said...

Karla should stay away. Dycky has anal warts.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bunnzy, are you some kind of doctor or what? I don't mind the breakfast or the sex, but no food after 7pm?!! That's when I eat all my best shit!!

I want a second opinion.

WXSlave said...

Follow boob1's advice and stop complaining!

Bunnzy said...

no i'm no doctor...ha-ha

it seems the worst stuff you eat is after 7. You basically starve yourself at night, and fill up on breakfast, the healthiest meal. I'm not sure if you wanted serious advice or just some wisecracks on your weight, but here is my serious advice if you really want to get healthier.

Good luck with the warts.

JoinUsForCake said...

DUDE! Stop drinking sugar. Mix in some fiber & salads. No more deep fried McShit. You'll never score hotties like TM or DD like I do, but you'll be in good enough shape to take my rejects.

Traffic Goddess said...

Dyck-
Quit whining like a 6 yr. old girl and eat some more fried food. Fuck the doctors, they don't know what they are saying...you'll show them!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bunnzy, it is serious advice that I seek. My problem is, I'm a creature of habit. I'm set in my ways. Motivation is what I need, and lots of it.

And Cake Boy, despite my questionable diet, my body is still a temple...a temple to be worshipped by the likes of TM and DD.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TG, you just want me to die, don't you? Well forget it! I'm not leaving you my schlong!!

WXSlave said...

"...Deeaaath..."

(Grandpa Simpson)

(pronounced with a hard D and unstressed e, the a's are held for a few seconds)

Ryan said...

It could be worse. I just noticed I have a tub of cool whip next to my bed.

Becky said...

Can you please delete your comment from my blog. For some reason I can't and I dont want it up there. Sorry I get offended easily when it comes to my nieces and nephews. Thanks!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Aww, Becky! Don't be that way!!

Actually, that post doesn't even have a link for comments now, but the previous posts do - ???

But thanks for visiting DyckerBlog! And tell your friends!!

Little Lamb said...

I guess she told you.

Willo Keays said...

What the hell is wrong with being a "fatass" BTW? If someone is geneticly doomed to being heavy - then damnit - there is almost NOTHING they can do to become "skinny."

I'll show you a fat ass!

Dyck - eat Quaker Oatmeal. Havn't you seen the commercials? You eat oatmeal every day and through some religious miracle your levels are down. Quaker goodness they call it.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I've seen those Quaker commercials with Wilford Brimley. I'm supposed to take dietary advice from that blob?!

Little Lamb said...

Get over it! We will all die one day. Change your blog! It's too depressing around the holidays.

WXSlave said...

Just picture those two girls that were almost crushed by the M&M float in the Thanksgiving Day parade. More than likely they accepted their fate and were expecting death. Go boldly into the great unknown, god speed Dykerson.

R.I.P.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thank you, wxslave. Your words of inspiration have...um...inspired me.

BTW, I was almost crushed by a giant Skittle one time, so I know how those two girls feel. But I would like to feel them anyway.

minwah said...

It can be hereditary, like you said about your Mom. Don't worry too much - we're all gonna kick the bucket sooner, or later. Stress is not good for you either!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thanks minwah.

And thanks a lot, Mom... you BITCH.