10/19/2005

Leave Me The Fuck Alone!

Not a day goes by at work without some idiot co-worker collecting money to buy a gift for some other schmuck. If it's not somebody's birthday, it's somebody else's anniversary. Or someone's leaving for another job, and we couldn't possibly let them go without a going-away present. Or look, Harvey from Marketing passed a kidney stone - let's buy him a toaster oven! Didja hear about Martha in Accounting? Her grandmother dropped dead - let's get her flowers! Then there's the collections for employee's kids' shit - Girl Scout cookies, band uniforms, canned food drives... Wait, what's this? Little Timmy got his first pube, and you're collecting to buy him an iPod??! I've never even fucking met these people! FUCK OFF!!!

And today, it was yet another goddam baby shower. You see, on top of everything else, half the women I work with are fucking pregnant. I am not kidding. Half of them are fucking pregnant.

I don't mind the occasional passing of the hat if it's for a worthwhile cause, like boob jobs for flat-chested teenage girls. But these assholes are nickel-&-diming me to death! And it's not like they ever did anything for me - and guess what!! I don't want them to!!! Why not?? Because my personal life is just that... PERSONAL. What a concept!!

Instead of cash, the next pregnant bitch with a baby shower is getting a special gift from me: A jar of spermicide and a pack of rubbers.

12 comments:

Little Lamb said...

Next time just say "no." Explain to them you just can't afford it right now. They always hit you for money because they know you'll give. Hey that gives me an idea since you're so generous with your money. Can I have a million dollars and not pay it back? It's for a good cause. I want to buy my own horse and give the horse a good place to live in and hire stable hands to take care of the horse when I'm not riding. They need a good salary to take good care of my pet horse. And that horse might get loney so I'll have to find a mate for it and then they can have ponies and tben I can sell them and make money and well you get the idea. So what do you say?

pipelayer said...

What's wrong with people laying pipe???

Little Lamb said...

Dyck answer my question first. Let me answer pipelayer's question. Nothing at all you just have to find a willing party to do it with.

Now Dyck about that million you said you give me?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hey, I almost ALWAYS tell these idiots NO (or at least imply NO by not responding to their emails and flyers). But that doesn't stop them from coming back for more.

I want a companywide BAN on all these solicitations!!

RevRee said...

Hey Dyckerson, I was wondering if you would be interested in helping my little brother win a prize from his class.

All you have to do is order some of these colorful beverage straws. They're $20 for a pack of 10,000 and $50 for a pack of 100,000. You can mix and match the colors or just go with one solid color.

The only thing I need from you is your money, the straws will be shipped right to your home. Just think you'll be helping someone you don't know, win a prize!

Thank you in advance!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

RevRee, that's the last straw. That post really sucked.

RainStorm1212 said...

Why don't you just claim it on your taxes?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I didn't know baby showers were tax deductible.

Little Lamb said...

Dycko! What about my horse you said you'd help me buy? And the stables and hired hands?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Fuck your damn horse.

Little Lamb said...

Honestly! Such language!

Anonymous said...

Be careful not to get that horse pregnant. Before you know it, PETA will take your half breed Centaur children hostage and begin demanding a very large amount of cash for their "good cause." Don't get me wrong, I still don't think your co-workers should have anything to do with your personal Equine situation.