Inside Dyckerson

Recently I sat down for an interview with Matt Lauer from The Today Show. Here is the transcript:

Matt: Thank you for agreeing to talk with us. I know you're a busy man.
Dyckerson: Oh, you're entirely welcome. I can always make time for my public.
Matt: So tell me, Dyckerson. You're a message board icon. You're the host of Medialine Feud. And now you have your own blog. What's that like?
Dyckerson: It's crazy, Matt! Just crazy!! I mean, it's all happening so fast. One day, I'm just a poor kid struggling to make it in this business... and now... well, it's just great. I'm very lucky.
Matt: And I would add modest to that. But lately you've been the subject of some harsh criticism. Let me read you a quote from the Dyckerson Sucks blog: "In time you will bow to us, the unclean non-believers. Once you are ready to call a truce and behave like a human, post it here and I will call off the dogs, until then you will fell our wrath." How do you react to that?
Dyckerson: Well, Matt, as you know, when you get to be a celebrity, you have to put up with these kinds of things. It can be scary sometimes, especially with the paparazzi and all. There's not much privacy.
Matt: Has it affected your family?
Dyckerson: Not really. (Climbs on couch.) Fortunately, my wives RevRee and Traffic Goddess have helped me get through this. They are my strength, and I couldn't do this without them.
Matt: I'm sure that's a comfort, but these people are clearly in need of psychological help. Wouldn't you agree?
Dyckerson: Oh, come now. Next you'll be telling me they need to be taking those mind-altering prescription drugs. Psychology is all in your head. Look, these people are just plain nuts.
Matt: So you're denying that there's a benefit to...
Dyckerson: Matthew, Matthew, Matthew! You haven't done your homework! You don't know psychology! I do!!
Matt: Perhaps we should change the subject. Let's talk about the future. What's next for Dyckerson?
Dyckerson: Well, I just got finished doing a benefit for the victims of Hurricane Shitface. Now I'm going to take a little time off to work on a screenplay. It's going to be a movie based on my blog. Sandra Bullock is playing Traffic Goddess, and Halle Berry has just signed up for the part of RevRee. I'm very excited!
Matt: You are an inspiraton to us all.
Dyckerson: Please, Matt. That's really not necessary.
Matt: Well thank you so much for stopping by this early in the morning...
Dyckerson: Hey Matt, before I go, can I ask you something?
Matt: Sure.
Dyckerson: What's Katie really like?
Matt: God, she's a fucking bitch. Did you see where she had the mammogram on the show last week? Nauseating.
Dyckerson: Yeah, that's what I thought too. A total asshole.
Matt: Word. OK, now here's Al with the weather.

1 comment:

Little Lamb said...

Matt: And I would add modest to that.
Little Lamb: I sure as heck wouldn't!
Dyckerson: Well, Matt, as you know, when you get to be a celebrity,
Little Lamb; Celebrity? Since when?
Dykerson: my wives RevRee and Traffic Goddess
Little Lamb: That's bigomy and that's illegal.