10/29/2005

Death Notices

In light of our friend BarkieDawg's recent passing and all the moving tributes that have been given, I've decided to take a cue from the media.

As some of you know, many news outlets pre-produce obits for major public figures who are close to death. That way, when they do croak, all the newsies have to do is insert the date and it's ready to go. I always like to be prepared, so I thought I'd do the same for a few of my fans:

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RevRee: Reverious Q. Dyckerson (a.k.a. "RevRee"), beloved wife of Mightonimous Dyckerson III, died today of complications from a bad uterus. RevRee will be sealed in a giant Caramello wrapper and buried at Forest Lawn's Half-&-Half Cemetery. In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to the Don't Make My Uterus Go Bad Foundation.

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Little Lamb: Liliputia Lambowski (a.k.a. "Lambo") died of natural causes yesterday in a Florida state prison, where she was serving a life sentence for distributing images of animal pornography on her blog. Oh dear! A private service will be held.

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Traffic Goddess: Trafficia G. Oddessa (a.k.a. "Traffic Goddess"), ex-wife of Mightonimous Dyckerson III, was killed in the line of duty last week. While on a routine traffic stop, she was run over by an out-of-control Volkswagen Beetle filled with drunken clowns. No charges have been filed, because hey, how can you hate a car full of clowns?

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HushHush: Hushetta H. Hushington (a.k.a. "HushHush"), mistress of Mightonimous Dyckerson III, died from undiagnosed breast cancer yesterday. Hush's life could have been saved if the cancer had been caught earlier, but unfortunately, she refused to show her doctor her ta-ta's.

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East Coast Producer: East Coast Producer (a.k.a. "East Coast Producer") died of an apparent suicide today in his studio apartment. ECP, who had been out of work for nearly 12 years, was apparently distraught over the recent banning of his "partner" Mightonimous Dyckerson III from an Internets message board.

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Bill The Cat: Bill The Cat (a.k.a. "Ron Mexico", "Don Magic Juan", "Mighty Dyckerson Slayer", "StormGod", "Scooter78") was killed in crossfire yesterday when a race demonstration he was leading turned to violence. Mr. Cat, who lived in an underground bunker on the outskirts of town, will not be missed.

13 comments:

Little Lamb said...

Just wait till I get back online full time. You and I have to talk!!!! "Unemployed former " moderator!!?!

ecp said...

dyck, did you just come out to us?

Little Lamb said...

Yep epc he did and killed us off.

Willo Keays said...

At least I went down WITHOUT showing Dyck my Ta-Ta's.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

HushHush said...
At least I went down WITHOUT showing Dyck my Ta-Ta's.


Actually, I sneaked a peek in the funeral home.

Traffic Goddess said...

HA! You forget, it is a proven fact that I BOUNCE when struck by cars on traffic stops!
I think you killed me off so you could stop paying alimony.

RevRee said...

At least you all don't have your uterus go bad...Good thing I was able to pop out dyck jr. before this occurred.

Pipelayer said...

You can't kill the Pipelayer! You can only hope to contain him!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I prefer not to think of death as an ending, but as a beginning.

The beginning of a period of rot and decay, in which your putrified remains are slowly eaten by grub worms, maggots, and cockroaches.

ewink said...

Where's my obit, goddammit?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ewink, your body was never found, so you just declared missing.

Shakespeare's Trenchcoat said...

very Edward Albee! heh

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Edward Albee?? Isn't he the actor from Green Acres???