9/28/2005

Toilet troubles

If you'll pardon the expression, I have a shitty toilet. A 3.5-gallon, almond-colored Bemis (see photo). Last night, I used the Bemis to take a relatively small but much needed dump. It was brown and kinda lumpy, but nothing to write home about. So I finish my business and wipe up like the good little Dyckerson I was taught to be. Then I flush. That's where things went downhill. Actually, things didn't go downhill. Instead, they went uphill, and continued going uphill - and therein lies the problem.

We've all been through this at some point in our lives. You watch the filthy water slowly rise and swirl its way to the top, wondering if it will level off before the unthinkable happens. You're literally scared shitless. You are haunted by visions of the breached New Orleans levees, with the putrid, sewage-laden water pouring out.

So here I am, watching, and waiting, and wondering. Dyckerson is not a religious man, but I'm here to tell you some prayers were said last night. Thankfully, my prayers were answered. The water leveled off and eventually receded; however, the fecal matter remained, and it took several flushes and toxic chemical additives to fully purge my throne.

I know what you're thinking: "Dyck, use a plunger!!" I do have a plunger, but I only like to use it as a last resort. The very idea of submerging a stick in a bowl of poop soup and agitating it makes me ill. Sure, a plunger gets the job done. But you end up with a giant shit popsicle. Then you have to rinse off the shit popsicle in the bathtub. Then you have to clean the bathtub. Then you have to clean whatever you used to clean the bathtub. It never ends.

Moments like this make you appreciate the value of a good crapper. There are many out there to choose from. The Bemis is not one of them.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh shit, I just pead in my pants I was laughing so hard.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You peed your pants?? What's the matter, is your toilet broken too???

the village idiot said...

That toilet suits your personality dickhead, and your breath. Suggestion: stick your head down it and flush repeatedly. Just so you know, I posted this address on a board for teenage hackers. you should start to see alot of interesting traffic very soon.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

That's just fine, Village Dipshit. If this site does get hacked, the folks at blogspot will know exactly who to come after.