Fuck Neighbors

It has happened again. This morning at 7am I was awoken from my sweet Sunday slumber by the sound of my upstairs neighbors goin' at it.

Some background info: I live in a condo, which I own...but the owner of the unit above mine rents his out as an investment. Only he apparently doesn't bother to screen applicants or even hold them to a 1-year lease, because every few months I'm treated to a new set of transient nitwits. That means that every few months, for two or three days, I've gotta listen to furniture being dragged and dropped by ex-cons and illegal aliens who are paid by the day.

Now don't get me wrong. Some of the tenants are fairly quiet. But this latest group has me ready to chuck a grenade through their bedroom window. I've got no problem with their desire to express their love for each other in a physical way. But maybe they could take some cash out of their dildo & butt plug fund and invest it in a squeak-free box spring.

Usually a thump or two on my ceiling with my handy broomstick is effective in cooling their passion. And if this were an isolated event, I wouldn't think much of it. But this has happened several times - at different times of day - in the last few months. I don't know if they're trying to set some sort of world record, but I'd be willing to call Guiness and vouch for them myself if it would shut those fuckers up. And it's not just the sex. They must have concert-grade speakers up there, because on at least two occasions, they have played music loud enough to wake the dead bodies I keep in my closet. And it's not even good music. It's this black soul music church crap. I feel like I need to reach for my wallet and stick a dollar bill on a plate.

At this point, desperate measures are in order. I'm talking about direct retaliation here, folks, and I need your ideas. I need them to get the message that someone is seriously pissed at them, but I don't necessarily want them to know who. It's not that I'm scared. But the guy is kinda big, and I bruise easily. So what do you say? Give me some creative input before Romeo and Juliet get amorous again.


Little Lamb said...

Be brave, tell them yourself to stop having sex and stop making so much noise or you'll call Traffic Goddess and let her take care of them for you.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I shouldn't have to confront them. If they had any damned sense, they'd have gotten the message by now. They're not civil people, so they will not be dealt with as such.

Vengence will be mine.

Mighty Dyckerson said...
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east coast producer said...

Just leave the severed head of a pig or other delicious farm animal on their doorstep until they move out.

RevRee said...

I think you should find a way to get pictures and post them for me!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ECP, I don't know if the pig ploy would work. They'd probably fry it up and eat it.

I'm thinking I'll stick some J.B. Weld in the key hole of their door, so the next time they leave, they won't be able to get back in.

Anonymous said...

May I suggest a flaming bag of poo.