9/30/2005

Liquidation sale!!!

Here's your chance to get a sweet deal on a primo TV!! This is a 19" RCA ColorTrak, and it's been in the Dyckerson family since it was brand new. This TV was in my bedroom for many years while I was growing up, and it followed me to the dorm when I went to college. It features authentic fake wood grain and a way-cool digital channel display (top right corner). It's cable-ready, but I believe it only goes up to channel 36 or so. But it's great as a monitor for a VCR or DVD player, or if you have a cable or satellite tuner. There is no remote, so you'll have to get off your fat ass to change the channels. But hey, you need the exercise, and I need to unload this thing. This beautiful piece of American workmanship can be yours for $50 o.b.o. This offer won't last long, so don't delay! Act now!!


And while I've got the camera out, here is my junk drawer. There are candles, flashlights, scotch tape, glue, connectors, batteries, scissors, and various fasteners. Hell, I even have a DiscMan in there - holy fucking shit! There's gotta be over $50 worth of crap in here!! See anything you like? If so, make me an offer! Or take the whole pile for one low price!!!

9/28/2005

The Chad Cleanly blog has been added to DBN. Chad Cleanly is the name of a Dilbert-esque comic strip for the broadcast news industry. Some entries are better than others, but if you're in the biz, you may get a chuckle. Plus, they have a link to my blog, so I feel obligated to plug it here. Check it out!

Toilet troubles

If you'll pardon the expression, I have a shitty toilet. A 3.5-gallon, almond-colored Bemis (see photo). Last night, I used the Bemis to take a relatively small but much needed dump. It was brown and kinda lumpy, but nothing to write home about. So I finish my business and wipe up like the good little Dyckerson I was taught to be. Then I flush. That's where things went downhill. Actually, things didn't go downhill. Instead, they went uphill, and continued going uphill - and therein lies the problem.

We've all been through this at some point in our lives. You watch the filthy water slowly rise and swirl its way to the top, wondering if it will level off before the unthinkable happens. You're literally scared shitless. You are haunted by visions of the breached New Orleans levees, with the putrid, sewage-laden water pouring out.

So here I am, watching, and waiting, and wondering. Dyckerson is not a religious man, but I'm here to tell you some prayers were said last night. Thankfully, my prayers were answered. The water leveled off and eventually receded; however, the fecal matter remained, and it took several flushes and toxic chemical additives to fully purge my throne.

I know what you're thinking: "Dyck, use a plunger!!" I do have a plunger, but I only like to use it as a last resort. The very idea of submerging a stick in a bowl of poop soup and agitating it makes me ill. Sure, a plunger gets the job done. But you end up with a giant shit popsicle. Then you have to rinse off the shit popsicle in the bathtub. Then you have to clean the bathtub. Then you have to clean whatever you used to clean the bathtub. It never ends.

Moments like this make you appreciate the value of a good crapper. There are many out there to choose from. The Bemis is not one of them.

9/27/2005

The Dyckerson Blog Network continues to grow...

Two new entries in the Dyckerson Blog Network this evening.

First is RevRee, whose blog presents a rare glimpse into the inner thoughts of Dyckerson's favorite half-&-half TV production chick. You just never know what that ho is going to say next!!!

Second is Little Lamb, with her brand-new entry into the blogging world. A word of caution: On the surface, Little Lamb's blog appears to be an innocent collection of Bible verses, but there are actually subliminal messages hidden in the text. Lambie uses the blog to recruit members for her Satanic cult. Enjoy!!!

Check the sidebar on the right for a complete listing of blogs in the Dyckerson Blog Network!

Study this face

Digitally altered photo
Meet "Mr. Wong." That's not his real name. Nor is this his real picture. I'm using fake name and pic to protect his identity. You see, this man is a chronic farter.

"Mr. Wong" is one of my co-workers. He's a nice, friendly guy and quite knowledgeable about the business. He's been with the company for several years and is a hard worker.

But he farts. And belches. And he does so with great frequency.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about the loud, raunchy farts or open-mouthed beer
belches shared among guys at sports bars on Super Bowl Sunday. These gas emissions are actually quite subdued. But in a quiet office like mine, you can hear a pin drop. And "Mr. Wong" drops pins of methane all day long.

Why does he do this? Is this some twisted form of flattery? In Asia, is it a compliment to flatulate in the prescence of others? Does Chinese food have an abnormally high content of gas-producing enzymes?? Is it the MSG???

Anyway, study this face. And be warned.

9/25/2005

Fuck Neighbors

It has happened again. This morning at 7am I was awoken from my sweet Sunday slumber by the sound of my upstairs neighbors goin' at it.

Some background info: I live in a condo, which I own...but the owner of the unit above mine rents his out as an investment. Only he apparently doesn't bother to screen applicants or even hold them to a 1-year lease, because every few months I'm treated to a new set of transient nitwits. That means that every few months, for two or three days, I've gotta listen to furniture being dragged and dropped by ex-cons and illegal aliens who are paid by the day.

Now don't get me wrong. Some of the tenants are fairly quiet. But this latest group has me ready to chuck a grenade through their bedroom window. I've got no problem with their desire to express their love for each other in a physical way. But maybe they could take some cash out of their dildo & butt plug fund and invest it in a squeak-free box spring.

Usually a thump or two on my ceiling with my handy broomstick is effective in cooling their passion. And if this were an isolated event, I wouldn't think much of it. But this has happened several times - at different times of day - in the last few months. I don't know if they're trying to set some sort of world record, but I'd be willing to call Guiness and vouch for them myself if it would shut those fuckers up. And it's not just the sex. They must have concert-grade speakers up there, because on at least two occasions, they have played music loud enough to wake the dead bodies I keep in my closet. And it's not even good music. It's this black soul music church crap. I feel like I need to reach for my wallet and stick a dollar bill on a plate.

At this point, desperate measures are in order. I'm talking about direct retaliation here, folks, and I need your ideas. I need them to get the message that someone is seriously pissed at them, but I don't necessarily want them to know who. It's not that I'm scared. But the guy is kinda big, and I bruise easily. So what do you say? Give me some creative input before Romeo and Juliet get amorous again.

9/24/2005

Mighty
Dyckerson's
MESSAGE
BOARD
DIPSHIT
OF THE
WEEK

Award!!!




To kick off the new season of Mighty Dyckerson's DyckerBlog, we're introducing a brand-new feature!! I will periodically post a link to a message board thread that contains post(s) of an extremely idiotic nature. The author of the post(s) will be the recipient of Mighty Dyckerson's MESSAGE BOARD DIPSHIT OF THE WEEK Award!! Each winner will receive an I LUV DYCK t-shirt and a case of bottled floodwater from New Orleans!!

This week's winner is
"RON MEXICO" for his passionate (yet futile) attempt to rile me, Mighty Dyckerson. This heated exchange can be found here, on the Open Line forum of Medialine. As an added bonus, I've been informed by one of my operatives that this lug nut has himself a little web page, consisting solely of a lameass "name generator" that he probably ripped off from someone else. Congratulations... and Ron, I have a few "names" for you myself!!

If
you would like to nominate someone for Mighty Dyckerson's MESSAGE BOARD DIPSHIT OF THE WEEK Award, just add a comment to this blog entry along with a link to the offending message board thread!!

9/23/2005

Fuck the Red Cross

What is with those idiots? Those fucking bastards always want something. "We need money!" "We need blankets!" "We need blood!" Can't these retards take care of themselves?!! Christ, we've got all these colored's who've lost all their shit in Katrina, and all the Red Cross can think about is themselves.

I'm calling on all Dyckerson fans to boycott the Red Cross immediately. You want to help the victims? Grab a shovel and a Hefty bag.

Big Changes Soon!!!

Your patience is about to be rewarded...greatly. The massive changes to DyckerBlog are almost complete! Trust me, you will not be disappointed!

Breaking News



Assume The Position

Introducing the newest member of the DyckerBlog network of blogs... Assume The Position, starring my very, very good friend Traffic Goddess!!!

Folks, I have personally reviewed this blog, and I'm here to tell you that this blog is going places. It is an absolute MUST-READ for anyone who has a loves blogs. Mark my words. Assume The Position is here to stay!!

And tell 'em Dyckie sentcha!!!