6/30/2005

The Dyckerson Live Show Goes On Tour!!!

Yes, the critically acclaimed one-man show, "700 Hot Fudge Sundaes", will be hitting the road this fall! Written by, directed by, produced by, and starring Mighty Dyckerson, "700 Hot Fudge Sundaes" has been playing to sold-out audiences in Broadway, Ark., for nearly 2 days.

Here is a tentative list of dates:
Pickles Gap, Arkansas - 9/13
Lickdale, Pennsylvania - 9/15
Assinippi, Massachusetts - 9/16
Beaver Bottom, Kentucky - 9/19
Gobblers Knob, Kentucky - 9/20
Beaver, Oklahoma - 9/21
Black Butte, Oregon - 9/22
Dyckesville, Wisconsin - 9/23
Cockland, Ohio - 9/26
Bloody Dick, Montana - 9/27
Ballville, Ohio - 10/1
Licking Valley, Ohio - 10/2
Shafter, California - 10/3
Handcock Town, North Carolina - 10/6
Intercourse, Pennsylvania - 10/7
Maggie's Nipples, Wyoming - 10/11
Butt's Corner, New York - 10/13
Cocksgag, Ohio - 10/16
Elephant Butte, New Mexico - 10/20

New dates are still being added, so check back frequently. Tickets can be purchased from all TicketMonkey locations or by calling 1-800-555-DYCK.

6/27/2005

Unto This World, A Dyckerson Was Born

Yes, today marks yet another birthday for yours truly. As a public service, I offer you all the chance to save your $$$ on cards and stamps by sending your greetings and well-wishes here. Fuck Hallmark. In the event that our servers become overloaded, please try again later.

Essay Contest Winner!

All of the entries for the "How has Dyckerson touched you" essay contest have been received and reviewed by our panel of judges. It was a tough call, but a decision has been made.

The winner is POC for his moving and inspiring piece:

Dyckerson has touched me, and I'd like to tell you how.

First, he ungloved his hand.

Then, he touched me.

It was nice, but a little weird.

Afterwards, I couldn't perform sexually with my blow up doll anymore.

It changed my life.


For winning the essay contest, POC will receive a DyckerBlog t-shirt and travel mug. Thanks to all for participating. And remember, there are no losers...except on Mighty Dyckerson's DyckerBlog!!!

6/21/2005

Test Your Dyckerson IQ!

So you say you're a Dyckerson fan. But how well do you really know him? Take THE DYCKERSON CHALLENGE and find out!

On your way home, you pass by a building that's engulfed in flames. You see a young boy screaming for help from an upstairs window. What would Dyckerson do???
A. Call the fire department on his cell phone.
B. Run into the inferno and attempt to rescue him.
C. Videotape the blaze and sell the tape to a local news station.

You're having a casual conversation with a co-worker. You notice she has a booger hanging from her nose. What would Dyckerson do???
A. Discreetly gesture toward her nose.
B. Look the other way.
C. Say, "Hey shithead. You've got a snot on your nose."

You're having a business lunch with your boss at a fancy restaurant. The boss picks up the tab (over $100). The service was excellent, but he leaves only a $2.00 tip on the table. What would Dyckerson do???
A. Politely remind the boss that the customary amount for gratuities is 20%.
B. As you leave, slip back to the table and add a few dollars.
C. When the boss isn't looking, steal the $2.00 and the silverware.

As part of your job, you are required to take a training course at a nearby college and pass a tough exam. However, the night before the exam, instead of studying, you attend a wild party and become intoxicated. What would Dyckerson do???
A. Ask the instructor if he can reschedule the exam.
B. Cram as much as possible that morning.
C. Sit next to the Chinese guy and copy his answers.

You're driving your extremely attractive, 16-year-old babysitter back to her home after an evening out with the wife. On the way, she begins flirting and offers to perform sexual favors for you. What would Dyckerson do???
A. Thank her for the offer, but explain that she is too young, and he is a happily married man.
B. Fire her immediately.
C. Rent a motel room under a fake name and pay cash.



Let's find out how you did...

If you answered "A" for any question, give yourself 1 point.
If you answered "B" for any question, give yourself 2 points.
If you answered "C" for any question, give yourself 3 points.

Now add your total...

0-14: You're not fit to wipe Dyckerson's ass. Begone.
15: Congratulations! You're a real Dyckerson fan!

6/20/2005

Favorite Message Board Posts

Welcome to a new feature here on DyckerBlog! This is where I post links to classic Mighty Dyckerson threads in other message boards!

First up, here's a goodie from Medialine. This one is so old, I wasn't even registered yet! Take a look as people try to figure out who I am...

Next, we have another Medialine oldie - a thread titled, simply, Dyckerson...

Here are two threads from PoliceHub's "Boxing Ring" in which I tear people new assholes. My first victim was some loser named AssNaked. The second was my very, very close friend, the lovely and talented Traffic Goddess. Enjoy...

Now back to Medialine, where I stick it to bust_yer_chops for his disrespectful comments about yours truly! Here's where it started... and here's another thread... and here's where we made up...

Check out this pissing match between me (as "Desperado2") and some other dude in a game show forum...


Thanks for strolling with me down memory lane! Be sure to check back often for more updates!!!

6/17/2005

Colors!

This is a song about colors, colors
you see them all around.
There is red on the stop sign, green on a tree,
blue in the sky and sea.

This is a song about color, colors
you see them all around.
It's about the happiest song in town.
All you have to do is stand up and sit down.
All you have to do is stand up and sit down.

RED stand up, BLUE stand up, YELLOW and GREEN stand up.
RED sit down, BLUE sit down, YELLOW and GREEN sit down.
RED stand up, GREEN stand up, RED and GREEN sit down.
BLUE stand up, YELLOW stand up, BLUE give YELLOW a blowjob.

This is a song about colors, colors;
You see them all around,
There is yellow on bananas and green on a tree,
blue in the sky and the sea.

RED stand up, GREEN stand up, YELLOW and BLUE stand up.
RED sit down, RED stand up, YELLOW and GREEN sit down.
BLUE sit down, YELLOW stand up, GREEN and BLUE stand up.
GREEN sit down, BLUE sit down, RED and YELLOW sit down.

This is a song about colors, colors:
You see them robbing liquor stores.
It's about the happiest song in town.
All you have to do is stand up and sit down.
All you have to do is stand up and sit down.
All you have to do is stand up and sit down.

6/15/2005

God Bless the Inventor of Urinal Cakes!

The office where I work recently added urinal cakes in the men's room. These little pink miracle discs have completely changed the way I view public restrooms! I swear to you, it's like a breath of fresh air everytime I take a leak! I've forever said goodbye to the foul stench of foreign feces and stale urine!

I don't know whose decision it was to invest in the cakes, but I sure would like to shake his hand (after we wash, of course).

6/13/2005

Penny Ante to Return to "The Price is Right"!



It's true!! They thought it would never happen, but it's true!!

Due to an unfortunate accident a few years ago, Penny Ante was left out in the rain on the CBS lot where TPIR is taped. The game prop was damaged beyond repair, and the game was temporarily retired. Well, a NEW Penny Ante prop is being built even as we speak, and is scheduled to reappear next season!

Penny Ante fans rejoice!!!

Michael Jackson: Not Guilty?

As a public service, I offer this space for you to comment on the Jacko verdict. Please feel free to use as many obscenities as you deem necessary.

6/11/2005

School Principals Are Jackasses

I hate these idiots who try to motivate their students by promising to do something "outrageous" if they succeed. There's one in every school system. This year, a jackass principal in my city shaved his head because his students read a lot of books. Big fucking deal. The hair will grow back by the fall. If you really want to impress me, promise to chop off an arm or a leg. Or dip your genitals in a vat of hot tar. Now shut up and go back to banging the school nurse.

6/09/2005

Keep Those Donations Coming!

Remember, it costs thousands of dollars to bring high-quality Dyckertainment like this into your homes. We depend on your financial support for our survival. So please, consider making a tax-deductible gift today.

$1.00 - $25.00: Level 1 (free I Luv Dyckerson pin)
$25.01 - $50.00: Level 2 (free tote bag)
$50.01 - $100.00: Level 3 (2 free tote bags)
$100.01 - $500.00: Level 4 (free night with an underage prostitute)
$500.01 & up: Level 5 (free autographed photo of Dyckerson lying on a beach in the Bahamas)

6/08/2005

Anne Bancroft is Dead...Who's Next?

They always die in three's. Who do you think will be the next celebrity or public figure to croak? Submit two names...and to make it interesting, a dollar amount that you'd like to wager for each.

For example:

Dick Clark - $100
Don Knotts - $25

6/07/2005

Top This - Dyckerson Style!

I'll start:

Michael Jackson.

Essay Contest!

Here's a great chance for you to brush up on your writing skills. Sharpen those pencils and get ready!

Your assignment: In 500 words or less, explain how Dyckerson has changed your life. Maybe Dyckerson's humor has gotten you through a difficult time in your life. Perhaps Dyckerson's wisdom and philosophy has changed the way you view the world. Or maybe Dyckerson has touched you personally in some other way. Share your experiences.

First place prize: A DyckerBlog t-shirt and travel mug.
Second place prize: A free G-Mail invite.
Third place prize: I'll mention your name in a Medialine message board thread.

Judging will be based on content, style, punctuation, and Kelsey Grammer. All entries must be submitted as a comment on this blog entry and timestamped no later than midnight, June 27, 2005.

Good luck!!!!

6/03/2005

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome!

Congratulations - you've stumbled upon what will soon become the absolute hottest blog on the internets! I'm too cheap and lazy to create a real web site, but this is almost as good! So bookmark this page and check back often to get a healthy dose of Dyckerson. And tell your friends!

Plus a special message to all my MediaLine friends: I was once just a message board poster like yourselves. But look at me now! With a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, dreams really can come true!! LONG LIVE DYCKERSON!!!